As people emerge from their quarantine shells and start attending social gatherings again, a lot of us are feeling more socially awkward than usual. That’s totally normal to feel strange after not interacting with people in a social setting for a while!

So I wanted to offer a strategy for coping with social discomfort, whether it’s coming from post-quarantine awkwardness, chronic social anxiety, or something in between.

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Another trick to make conflict suck less

The tool I want to mainly discuss here is something I call: The “We’re On The Same Team” sandwich (AKA the WOST Sandwich). It’s a technique designed to help both parties think in a more collaborative mindset instead of a competitive mindset, which is much likelier to yield higher quality solutions as well as just being more pleasant and connecting overall. The other thing I like about it is that it helps you still get your point across while giving you as good a chance as possible of feeling heard by the other person.

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One simple trick to make conflict suck less

With any relationship that engenders enough vulnerability and closeness, conflict is usually bound to come up. So one of the best approaches, I’ve found, is to be prepared for it and have a plan for how to handle it when conflict arises.

There’s already tons of literature about how to fight well, but I’ve found one trick that you might not be familiar with.

I call it the “emotional right-of-way.”

Ashley KirsnerMay 13, 2021metaconversation, metaconversations, emotional management, emotion management, conflict, how to make conflict suck less, how make conflict feel less bad, how to fix conflict, one way to make conflict suck less, emotional right-of-way, right-of-way, blog, skip the small talk, Skip the Small Talk, Skip the Small Talk blog, Skip the Small Talk blogpost, feelings, emotions, who should talk first, who should go first, fight, fighting, fight better, better fights, four horsement, four horsemen, four horsemen of the apocalypse, 4 horsemen, 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, how to make up, conflict with boyfriend, conflict with girlfriend, conflict with family, close relationships, close relationship, conflict resolution, resolve conflict Comments

How NOT to support a friend

In light of my last blog post about how to support others, I wanted to also share one of the most common pitfalls that I often notice when people try to offer support to others. It’s a mistake that’s usually well-meaning, but its impact can add to the burden of the people you’re trying to support: taking the side of someone who’s not there.

How to support a friend

Every so often, I’ll see some content floating around the internet encouraging people to ask their friends and loved ones how they’d like to be supported.

I think that’s a great conversation to have, but in practice, it’s often best to have that conversation **before** anybody actually needs support. If your friend is crying on your couch, that’s often NOT the time to ask them how they prefer to be supported; people who are actively in pain often are not in a state to do the mental work required to educate others on how to best support them.

So, how are you supposed to know what to do when your friend IS crying on your couch? I’ve gathered some tips here based primarily on my suicide hotline training.

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How to reduce workplace loneliness

Loneliness in general is rampant; studies conducted before the pandemic suggest that three out of five Americans are lonely, and a dearth of meaningful workplace relationships are a huge contributor to that. I’d imagine that given the spike of social isolation during the pandemic, those numbers are even worse now.

And in terms of the impact of loneliness on the workplace specifically, according to recent research, only 20% of employees “strongly agree” that they have a best friend at work. But if that percentage could budge to just 60%, companies would yield 12% higher profit, end up with 36% fewer safety incidents, and gain 7% more engaged customers.

So, if you’re in a position to influence the culture of your workplace, what can you do to create a culture of social connection at work?

Ashley KirsnerApril 1, 2021pandemic, covid, covid19, covid-19, loneliness, lonely, lonely at work, lonely at the office, office loneliness, office, work, work loneliness, working from home, alone, connection, team-building, team-building events, team building that isn't cheesy, team building events that aren't cheesy, Skip the Small Talk, Skip the Small Talk blog, blog, blog post, blogpost, work boundary, work boundaries, work-life balance, work life balance, research, psychology research, psychology studies, loneliness stats, work loneliness stats, loneliness at work stats, online team-building, online team building, online team building events, online team-building events, online team-building event, online team building event, workplace loneliness, reduce workplace loneliness, how to reduce loneliness, how to reduce workplace loneliness, how to fix loneliness, belonging, best team-building event, best team-building events, best team building event, best team building eventsComment

The surprising secret to productivity

If you’re American, chances are that you’re bad at resting.

It’s not your fault; it’s deeply engrained in American culture that we need to “earn” our rests.

But we have it backwards.

We can’t expect to be productive in order to earn our rests; we actually NEED rest FIRST in order to be productive.

Ashley KirsnerMarch 10, 2021productive, productivity, hacks, productivity hacks, Skip the Small Talk, Skip the Small Talk blog, Skip the Small Talk blogpost, Skip the Small Talk blog post, blog, blog post, blogpost, psychology, psychology research, alone with my thoughts, alone with your thoughts, meditation, meditating, rest, restfulness, sleep, get enough sleep, meditate, resting, art, capitalism, American culture, America, American, how to be more productive, how to be productie, how to be productive, how can I be productive, how can I be more productive, I feel distracted, distracted, distractions, how to lower distractions, how to get rid of distractions, work, workplace, workplace advice, work advice, how to do better at work, how to be a better worker, how to be a better employee, how to add value, how to add more value, add value, add more value, take a break, how to take a break, how to rest, how to get rest, doodling, spending time in nature, nature, the surprising secret to productivity, secret to productivity, productivity hack, how to be more productive at work, capitalist Comment

It’s not just you: Why you feel weird lately

If you’ve started feeling odd as we come up upon the one-year-anniversary since a lot of us started quarantining, it’s not just you. You might just be experiencing just one or a few of these things, but some things you may notice are:

Sleep problems
Strange or unpleasant dreams
Irritability
A feeling of restlessness
Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and/or anxiety without a clear cause
Flare ups of chronic health issues

Does any of that sound like what your last few days or weeks have been like? If so, then you might be having a trauma anniversary.

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How to apologize: The ultimate template

I love the above quote from Dr. Lauren Appio. I think it’s important for all of us to accept that for as long as we are alive, even when we don’t mean to, we are going to say things that hurt people. It’s not a matter of “if,” but “when.”

So, whether you’ve said something less-than-kind to a loved one or you’ve used the wrong pronoun for an acquaintance, here are some guidelines for how to respond.

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Three tips for surviving the holidays

Whether you’re spending the holidays with family, with friends, or with yourself this year, your celebrations probably won’t live up to the impossibly wholesome fireside gatherings that the media depicts as the norm. Well, the good news is that no matter how many pictures of glistening ham you see on Instagram, nobody else’s holiday is going to be perfect, either. So, we’ve come up with some tips for making the most out of your holidays, whatever they look like.

Ashley KirsnerDecember 21, 2017holidays, holiday, Christmas, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Hanukkah, Chanukkah, Happy Chanukkah, boundaries, setting boundaries, how to set boundaries, how to have boundaries, how to have a healthy relationships, how to connect, family, how to be with family, self-care, mindful, mindfulness, mindful acceptance, mindfully accept, three tips for surviving the holidays, survive the holidays, how to survive the holidays, depression, sad, lonely, I feel lonely, feel lonely, Skip the Small Talk, Skip the Small Talk blogpost, Skip the Small Talk blog, Skip the Small Talk blog post, missed my flight, anxiety, Maslow's hierarchy, Maslow's hierarchy of needs, Maslow, boundary, set boundary, how to connect with family, visiting family, without going crazy, party, holiday party, holiday party ideas, Christmas party, Christmas party ideas, Hanukkah party, Hanukkah party ideas, hosting a party, host a party, how to host a partyComment

Do you know how to "be yourself?" The question that will help you be authentic even when the stakes are high

“Just be yourself!”
“Don’t worry about what other people think of you!”
“Dance like nobody’s watching!”
“To thine own self be true.”

We consume these truisms from the moment our infant brains can understand them and we don’t stop until we’ve seen one too many cliché-littered Pinterest boards. But the reality is, if you’re flailing your limbs on the dance floor without a single thought of who’s watching, or who’s within arm’s reach, you might accidentally smack someone in the face. How do you dance like you’re aware that people are watching, but you know that you’re dancing for yourself, and not for them? How can you think about the space you're taking up on the dance floor without having it affect your self-expression? How soon until we're done with this metaphor? It's important to "be true to yourself," but if you’re not thinking about how others respond to your behavior, you might be missing out on opportunities to connect, and you may even hurt others or yourself in the process.

The conversation hack you've never heard of

Imagine you’re in an animated conversation with someone. You both laugh at something together, but then your chuckles trail off and you’re left in silence. What now?

Do you say something immediately? Do you wait for the other person to say something, no matter how long that takes? Do you jump in with whatever enters your head? Of course, it likely differs from situation to situation, but you probably average some number of seconds before you say something new if the other person doesn’t say anything, and you probably don’t stray too far from that average too often.

What to do about anger

Has your anger ever led to an action you regretted? Maybe you sent a text you didn’t feel great about, maybe some words came out of your mouth more harshly than you’d intended, or maybe your anger came out sideways and you spent some time silently fuming and distracted from your everyday life. Since anger can compel you to take action before thinking, it can be useful to have some tools ready for the next time you’re feeling peeved.

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Potato chip connections

Chances are, you’ve had the experience of binging on potato chips or other junk food when what you really wanted was a meal. You’re famished, so instead of taking the time to cook something, you reach for whatever’s quickest, easiest, or most tempting, but you end up feeling like garbage. Connection can work similarly.

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TIPS, STORIES, AND insPiration