How to not be socially awkward

Photo by KT on Unsplash

As people emerge from their quarantine shells and start attending social gatherings again, a lot of us are feeling more socially awkward than usual. That’s totally normal to feel strange after not interacting with people in a social setting for a while!

So I wanted to offer a strategy for coping with social discomfort, whether it’s coming from post-quarantine awkwardness, chronic social anxiety, or something in between.

It may seem counterintuitive, but the main way to reduce interpersonal awkwardness is… to let yourself feel awkward. It’s totally normal to notice social awkwardness and have your first reaction be, “AHHHHHH this is horrible, how do I get rid of it?” It’s often THAT experience— the urgent need to get rid of the feeling of awkwardness— that leads to behavior that worsens the awkardness.

For example, a lot of us will try to fill silences to avoid awkwardness. When you do, if you’re not managing your feelings of discomfort, chances are that whatever you say will come with tone, facial reactions, and body language of discomfort. People can (often subconsciously) sense that, and will feel discomfort, themselves. And that’s how awkardness ratchets up in a social interaction.

So how can you avoid that downward spiral of social discomfort? The next time you feel socially awkward, try these three steps.

1. Give yourself compassion. American culture teaches us to feel ashamed if we are not socially perfect. So even the most enlightened among us are likely to feel some level of shame when we notice social awkwardness in ourselves. And shame often makes it nearly impossible to make any sort of useful change in behavior.
   
   So even if you don’t feel like you need it, I’d recommend taking a moment when you notice social awkwardness to give yourself self-compassion in whatever way(s) resonates most with you. Here are some concrete things you can do in the moment to bootstrap compassion for yourself.
   
   
   

2. Try focusing on how awkwardness feels. Act like a scientist running an experiment, or a detective trying to learn more about it.
   
   Notice how awkwardness shows up in your body. Are there places you’re tensing up? What’s it like if you try relaxing them?
   
   Notice how it shows up in your face. Are there places you’re tensing up your face? What’s it like if you try relaxing those parts?
   
   This particular technique accomplishes two things: Being aware of your feelings is a mindfulness strategy that leads to lower anxiety levels, and relaxing your body and face can also coax your brain into feeling more relaxed, too.
   
   One key here is that even if you don’t feel relaxed after doing this, that’s okay (and honestly, that’s probably pretty often what will happen)— you can continue just noticing how you feel, and continue just allowing yourself to feel however you feel.
   
   So the next time you feel socially awkward, after you take a few moments to do a quick self-compassion exercise in your head, notice how you feel physically and emotionally, and try relaxing any parts of your body or face that are tensed up. If you still feel awkward after that, that’s totally okay— you can move onto just continuing to notice how you feel and allowing any feelings that come up.
   
   
   

3. Take a few belly breaths. This works by stimulating your vagus nerve and calming you down. It’s also handy because it’s often easy to do this without making it noticeable.
   
   To practice this (you can give it a try now if you’d like), put one hand on your belly and the other hand on your chest. Take a deep breath such that your belly moves out farther than your chest does. Then exhale naturally. Take a few breaths like this. Once you feel accustomed to it, you can take your hands off your chest and belly and just take a few belly breaths when you notice you’re feeling awkward.
   
   As another bonus, this works well in pretty much any situation where you’re feeling nervous or uncomfortable.
   
   
   

If none of this helps, that’s okay, too! Some stronger methods of anxiety reduction might be helpful, and looking into cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a great option, too. I used to work in a psychology lab where we were studying CBT, and it was incredible to watch people with extreme social anxiety go from feeling terrified to speak up in a work meeting to delivering presentations without feeling anxious. Even if you can’t see a therapist, there are lots of resources available online for free and for purchase. Try Googling “CBT social anxiety” and you’ll see a wealth of options.

And if you want more practice talking to other humans in a low-stakes setting, you know where to find it. ;)