How to apologize: The ultimate template

I love the above quote from Dr. Lauren Appio. I think it’s important for all of us to accept that for as long as we are alive, even when we don’t mean to, we are going to say things that hurt people. It’s not a matter of “if,” but “when.”

So, whether you’ve said something less-than-kind to a loved one or you’ve used the wrong pronoun for an acquaintance, here are some guidelines for how to respond. Please note, this is just one of many ways to soothe fresh wounds once you’ve said something harmful, and I always encourage that you ultimately use your own judgment about how and when this is applicable.

First, ask yourself: Is the harm I did something that I think this person receives frequently from other people due to systemic injustices? 

Some examples of this are

• Calling someone “she” when that person uses “they/them” pronouns

• Mispronouncing someone’s name
  

IF YES:

Since this person has likely experienced this harm many times before, a worthy goal is to make this as quick as painless as possible. It’s also extremely helpful if you’re able to relieve some of the pressure they may feel to do any emotional work for you-- because it can be quite painful for someone in pain because of something you did to have to take care of your feelings.

1. Apologize quickly. A brief “sorry” is great.
   

2. Correct your mistake. For example, if you used the wrong pronoun for someone, this is where you’d refer to them as the correct gender. If you mispronounce someone’s name and you realize you’re not actually sure how to pronounce it, you can quickly ask how to pronounce it and then pronounce it correctly.
   

3. Do your best to move the conversation along so you don’t have to linger on it.
   

4. Do NOT engage in any self-deprecation. If you make fun of yourself, that puts pressure on the other person to soothe your feelings and say something like, “No, that’s fine!” Even if it doesn’t feel fine to them. And that cognitive dissonance can be really painful. This is an experience I hear a lot from folks, and I also hear how greatly people appreciate it when others avoid self-effacing humor in this context.

So, this can look like:

“Jordan makes the best scrambled eggs-- her secret ingredient is cream cheese. Sorry-- their secret ingredient is cream cheese. It’s surprising because I actually hate cream cheese in most other contexts.”

“I’d like to work on this project with Precha… sorry, I want to make sure I pronounce your name correctly-- how do you pronounce your name? Ah, thanks. Preeticha. I’d like to work on this project with Preeticha. I think she’d be an asset to this team.”

IF NO:

1. Own up for your part of the harm. If the other person realizes they don’t need to convince you to take responsibility for what harm you did, they’re going to feel much more at ease and much less likely to respond with an attack. Make sure not to say anything self-deprecating, since that can put pressure on the other person to take care of your feelings in a way that is likely to be painful for them.
   
   Also, DO NOT offer any explanation for your behavior here. That needs to come later, after you show that you understand the other person’s point of view.
   
   So, this part can look like: “I know I promised to do the dishes tonight and then I didn’t.”
   
   Or, “I know I did not pull my weight on this project.”
   
   

2. Empathize with them, but give them the opportunity to disagree with you. Often, one of the most disconnecting things about having someone say something harmful to you is the belief that they don’t understand you. So, take a moment to show that you understand whoever you’ve hurt. But, allow for the possibility to be wrong. 
   
   So, you can say something like, “I imagine that feels... “
   
   Or, “That sounds awful.”
   
   Those are light enough that they don’t insist that you KNOW how the other person feels.
   
   Alternatively, if you don’t think you understand the other person’s feelings (or if you are confident they have a significantly different lived experience than you because of a particular identity they hold), then it’s a great opportunity to ask them how they feel, and THEN empathize with them.
   
   An important note here: You don’t need to agree with someone in order to empathize with their feelings! When I was volunteering at a suicide hotline, I once spoke to someone experiencing delusions that she was actually in hell and all her loved ones were in hell with her. I empathized with her by imagining what it would be like if I earnest believed I was in hell, and so I said, “That sounds terrifying!” She was relieved to have someone understand her point of view, and I was then later able to work with her to challenge some of her beliefs.
   
   So, this could look like: “I imagine it was disappointing for you when you saw a sink full of dishes that I hadn’t cleaned.” 
   
   Or, “It seems like it sucked for me to bail on you after a million other people have bailed on you in similar ways-- what was it like for you?” They might respond with something like, “It was just really sad and lonely. I debated whether I could trust you again.” Now, you can empathize with the feelings they just offered you: “I can totally see how getting bailed on would make you feel sad and lonely, and how it would lead you to doubt your trust in me.”
   
   Or, “I bet it was hard to finish that project with one fewer person than you’d expected to have helping.” 
   
   

3. Apologize. It may seem obvious, but it’s a crucial step to have an explicit apology. When you get to this step, it’s a great opportunity to use a trick I wrote about in this blogpost about how to write better e-mails: When you say something that’s often part of a predetermined social script, like, “What a beautiful home,” or, “Hope you’re doing well,” or, “How are you doing,” or, “Sorry,” it helps other people believe that you actually mean it if you follow it up with an additional sentence elaborating on it. 
   
   In your elaboration, be careful not to explain your reasons for why you did anything and be careful not to say anything that’s intended to elicit empathy for you-- we’re still focusing on them for now, so that they can feel understood enough to be able to focus on you soon.
   
   Some examples:
   
   “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
   “I apologize. That was really hard on you.”
   “Sorry about that. I know that’s unacceptable behavior.”
   
   

4. Weave in your explanation for why you did what you did into a commitment to not do it again. 
   
   If you’ve been harmed, it can be really painful to hear excuses for that harm. On the other hand, if you’re going to continue any sort of relationship with someone who harmed you, it’s helpful to understand where they were coming from. So, for the last step of the apology, you can finally express your rationale for what you did, and explain how that will help you ensure that it doesn’t happen again.
   
   For example:
   
   “I completely forgot to do the dishes because it’s a new thing I’m still getting used to. So that’s why from now on, I’m going to set an alarm on my phone every day to make sure I don’t forget.”
   
   “I didn’t participate in the group project because I was taking care of my dad in the hospital, and I was hoping I would still have time to do work in addition. Next time, I’ll be more communicative earlier on if anything comes up that compromises my ability to finish a project.”
   
   

5. Expect some anger. At this point, the other person might feel safe enough to release some anger toward you. That may feel bad, but it’s actually a great sign that you’re helping them feel safe enough to be honest with you. 
   
   If they get angry, you can just keep validating any feelings they express.
   
   That can look like:
   “It makes sense that you’re mad at me. I made a promise and let you down.”
   “I see that my behavior left you in the lurch. I’m sorry.” 
   
   Eventually, they are likely to calm down. If this goes on for a while, though, you can always ask a magic question:
   
   “What else can I do to help ease some of the hurt I’ve caused?” 
   
   If they respond with, “Nothing,” you can empathize with them again and offer them something that shows that you’re on their side, perhaps validating that it might take some time for them to feel like things are resolved.
   
   So, you can say something like, “This seems like it really hurts. It’s okay if you’re mad at me for a long time. I’m still going to be here, and I’m still going to do everything I can to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
   
   Or, “I know how disappointing my behavior was. I’m going to work as hard as I can to earn back your trust, and I acknowledge that that might take some time. You all have supported me when I needed it, and it’s important to me that I do the same for you.”

6. Give yourself some compassion. You may be tempted to skip this step. But if you do, there’s a sizable chance that you will at some point seek compassion from the very people you’re hurting, and that can hurt them even more. 
   
   So, take some time after your converation to offer yourself some compassion. Here are some ways to do that.
   
   And remember-- all humans make mistakes. The real question is how you react once you do. And even if you make a mistake in how you react to a mistake of yours (I know, I know, we’re getting meta here), that’s okay and normal, too. As long as you keep trying it, you’ll very likely find it easier over time.