to help you Skip the Small Talk in your everyday life
If you’re American, chances are that you’re bad at resting.
It’s not your fault; it’s deeply engrained in American culture that we need to “earn” our rests.
But we have it backwards.
We can’t expect to be productive in order to earn our rests; we actually NEED rest FIRST in order to be productive.
If you’ve started feeling odd as we come up upon the one-year-anniversary since a lot of us started quarantining, it’s not just you. You might just be experiencing just one or a few of these things, but some things you may notice are:
Sleep problems
Strange or unpleasant dreams
Irritability
A feeling of restlessness
Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and/or anxiety without a clear cause
Flare ups of chronic health issues
Does any of that sound like what your last few days or weeks have been like? If so, then you might be having a trauma anniversary.
If you’re feeling like you’re struggling a little more than usual right now, you’re not alone.
As of writing this article, a lot of us are feeling burnt out from about a year of masking up, social distancing, and avoiding social gatherings.
Fortunately, there’s actually a physiological shortcut to calming down when you’re feeling anxious or angry.
It’s called the vagus nerve.
The vagus nerve helps bring your body back to homeostasis after it’s freaked out.
The nerve runs throughout your body and controls a ton of body functions, like digestion, blood vessel dilation/contraction, heart rate, breathing, and more.
So, when you activate your vagus nerve, you get your digestion to speed up and your heart rate to slow down.
The good news is that there are some neat (and possibly surprising) shortcuts to stimulating your vagus nerve!
I love the above quote from Dr. Lauren Appio. I think it’s important for all of us to accept that for as long as we are alive, even when we don’t mean to, we are going to say things that hurt people. It’s not a matter of “if,” but “when.”
So, whether you’ve said something less-than-kind to a loved one or you’ve used the wrong pronoun for an acquaintance, here are some guidelines for how to respond.
Read MoreAs if figuring out what to do on Valentine’s Day isn’t hard enough, a lot of us have some additional pandemic-related parameters this year. So, we’ve come up with ideas for how to have a low-key but meaningful Valentine’s Day at home with your partner. (BONUS: If you’re not with a partner, you can absolutely pick and choose whatever pieces of this feel right to do with a friend or other loved one— we’ve even put together some adapted question prompts at the end of this to ask your friends, family, and other close people).
Read MoreThis week, I’m thinking about the above quote I found via psychologist and author Nedra Tawwab.
Read MoreSometimes, a little reflection can be helpful for ushering you through transitions. The new year happens to be a great opportunity to introspect on the last 365-ish days, and an especially good time to start new habits. So, we’ve come up with ten questions to help you make meaning of the last year and to move with direction into the next. As always, we encourage you to delve deeper into the questions that jibe with you and to leave the ones that don’t.
Read MoreOkay, fine, if you’ve ended up on this page, maybe you do already think that good communication is the fastest route to great sex. In case you don’t, though, you can check out this article, or this one, or this one, all of which point to good sexual communication as a big factor in sexual satisfaction. So, we’ve come up with three concrete tools you can use to get the most out of your next roll in the hay.
Read MoreAre you nervous about interacting with women and gender nonconforming folks these days? That’s understandable; if you know at least 33 men, 6 women, or 2 nonbinary folks, statistically speaking, you probably know a survivor of sexual assault, whether they’ve disclosed it to you or not. And it can be tricky to know how to interact with someone who’s gone through such a horrendous experience (or who is likelier than you to go through such a horrendous experience) that you might not be able to fully empathize with. How can you help them feel safe with you, and how can you support the people in your life who fear sexual assault without overstepping their boundaries? Here are some resources to help you navigate just that. There is no one right answer to how to be there for others, but we’ve received overwhelmingly positive feedback about these articles. We hope you or someone you care about finds them helpful.
Read MoreMr. Rogers was the dad America needed. The biographical movie Won’t You Be My Neighbor does an incredible job of showing us why. Whether you saw the movie and want some help processing or whether you didn’t see it but still want some takeaways, enjoy these three big life lessons via the sweatered socioemotional powerhouse, himself.
Read MoreWe’ve gotten a lot of requests for this one.
They often sound something like: “I’m a good communicator, but it’s just that my coworker/ roommate/ mom/ boyfriend’s second cousin is awful at communication.”
But no matter how horrible of a communicator they are, you can use this trick to work within their limited communication skills and get your point across.
Mother’s Day can be a great excuse to connect with a woman who helped raise you. Of course, everyone has a different relationship with their mother (we’d love to take this opportunity to remind you of our article on metaconversations in case you think it’d be helpful to tweak something in your relationship with your mom), but for those of you who want to take the chance to get closer to the matriarch in your life, we’ve put together some questions to help create meaningful conversations that you might not have had with her before. Feel free to pick and choose the questions that feel right-- we recommend going with your intuition about what questions would work best for the kind of relationship you have with your mom.
Read MoreAt Skip the Small Talks, we ask attendees to have compassion for others and for themselves as they try out new ways to hold conversations. It’s probably obvious why we care about people having compassion for each other at an event where strangers are getting to know each other for the first time, but equally if not more important in that context is self-compassion. That’s because any attempt at change or improvement generally goes much more smoothly if you’re not beating yourself up after every setback. Connecting genuinely often requires taking some risks (like sharing things that feel a little vulnerable), and having compassion for yourself when those risks don’t pan out the way you hope can help you continue taking some risks in the long-term, and can help make the learning process easier for you in the short-term.
Read MoreSo you just got a promotion, or maybe you got a nice compliment from a passing stranger on your outfit, or maybe you won a free cruise. It’s human to want to tell people about the cool stuff that’s happened to you. It can amplify your excitement to share with someone who “gets it,” and it can help inspire and motivate others who hear about your successes. But nobody wants to seem like a jerk, and more importantly, you probably don’t want to make other people feel badly if they find themselves comparing their lives to this great thing that just happened to you. That’s why we’ve put together some tips for sharing the good stuff without making other people feel badly.
Read MoreWe're excited to either introduce you to or remind you about made-famous-by-Instagram-but-actually-because-of-talent-not-just-because-her-stuff-is-on-Instagram poet Nayyirah Waheed. Her books salt. and Nejma are brimming with unpretentious poems that capture human experiences we don't usually talk about in everyday life. So, obviously, she's very much our jam. Here are some of our favorite poems of hers that capture some of the ideas we've discussed in other blogposts or at our events.
Read More“It’s hard spending time with people who are the normal you wish you were,” said one of my closest friends. Her husband was struggling with a dependency on alcohol, and he found it painful to hang out with friends who could have a few drinks and call it a night. He would regularly talk himself into thinking he could be “normal” like them and just have a few drinks, but “a few” invariably turned into “too many” for him, and he would end up feeling shame about not being able to control his relationship with alcohol.
“Kill your darlings, kill your darlings, even when it breaks your egocentric little scribbler’s heart, kill your darlings,” said Stephen King, riffing off of a William Faulkner quote about writing. King and Faulkner were pointing out that the best writers are willing to erase portions of their writing that don't fit the larger story, even if the writing itself is good.
It’s the same with conversations. The best conversationalists are willing to go with the flow instead of trying to insert a thought from a few minutes ago wherever they can, even if that thought is clever, funny, or insightful. They're willing to give up contributing any given idea in order to be more present.
Okay, we’ll run with the title and make this quick. When someone new is entering your life, whether it’s a friend, a coworker, a romantic interest, or someone else you’re still figuring out how and to what extent you’d like to fit them into your life, try asking yourself:
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