How to set a boundary
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
If you’re noticing that someone’s behavior is regularly making you feel bad, it may be time to set a boundary with them.
Different people define boundaries differently, but for our purposes, we’re going to think of a boundary as a metaconversation that:
Lets someone know how their behavior is affecting you negatively
Asks them to change that behavior
Optionally, it also explains what will happen if they choose not to change their behavior
It may feel clumsy to set your first bunch of boundaries if you’re not used to it, but practice absolutely makes… well, not perfect, but definitely a lot easier and a lot less stressful! So if your first few (or fifty) boundaries feel difficult to deliver, don’t worry-- you’re in good company, and it gets a lot better the more you do it.
Below is a template you can use to set any boundary with anyone. This isn’t the only way to set a boundary, of course, but it can be a helpful place to start.
Before you set the boundary:
Make sure that you actually do want to set a boundary with this person, as opposed to just limiting your interaction with them. For example, if you have a friend who makes you generally feel bad about yourself when you’re together, you may want to consider ending that friendship instead of setting any particular boundary.
If there’s someone in your distant social circle who you find generally annoying, you may want to just avoid them when possible as opposed to going out of your way to set a boundary.
Setting boundaries can only accomplish so much; they can change a particular set of behaviors, but they can’t change who a person is.
On the other hand, there’s often little cost to setting a boundary if your ultimate plan would otherwise be to cut this person out of your life, anyway. So if you’re on the fence, it’s also fine to try setting a boundary, and then you can always adjust your relationship with the other person at a later time.Choose your time and communication method for delivering this boundary. It’s often best to have these conversations in person, but sometimes that’s not feasible, and sometimes personal preferences mean that it’s actually best to send these over text or e-mail.
Feel it out and go with what you imagine will feel best for the other person and for you, erring on the side of more personal forms of communication, like in-person or video chat.
The smaller/ less of a big deal your boundary is, the more “okay” it can be to talk about it over e-mail or text. But again, preferences vary from person to person, and it’s okay if you’re just giving it your best guess as to what will work for the other person.
In terms of timing, err on the side of having this conversation sooner rather than later, and find a time when you think the other person will be at their best ability to receive your boundary.
This can sometimes be tricky; if you’re setting a boundary with someone who’s generally stressed out, there will likely not ever be a perfect time to set a boundary with them.
That’s okay. Try to time it so that it’s not immediately after any big traumatic event for them, and try to make it sooner rather than later.
It’s often best to set boundaries quickly so that the other person doesn’t feel like you’ve been keeping this a secret from them for a long time, and so that it doesn’t take up your energy for too long.Plan on decompressing after you set the boundary. While boundaries usually make your life easier in the long term, they can be draining in the short-term.
So, plan to do something nice for yourself immediately after setting the boundary, no matter how the other person responds; the idea is to reward yourself for doing something that is often difficult.
You may be tempted to skip this step, but this is the one of the most impactful things you can do if you want boundary setting to become a habit.
If you skip this “doing something nice for yourself” part, boundary setting can feel too draining and it will be much harder to motivate yourself to do it in the future.
So, make it easy on yourself; do something that you enjoy or that calms you down afterward. This can be anything from meditating to watching a TV show you like.
If you need a refresher on some self-compassion you can have at the ready, you can find ours here. If you want some ideas for calming down quickly, you can check out some science-backed strategies here.
Whatever it is, though, have a plan ready before you set the boundary.
Okay, so let’s say you’re now pretty sure you actually want to set this boundary, you know when you’re going to do it and whether you’ll be doing it virtually or in person, and you have a plan for what you’re doing right after you set the boundary. Great! Now let’s talk about how you can actually communicate this boundary to the other person.
Throughout these steps, I’ll be using two examples of boundary-setting: The first is a boundary with a friend asking them to stop gossiping around you. The second is a boundary with a work superior asking them for a lighter workload.
Start with something positive and relevant. Before you jump into the tough stuff, start with something relevant, positive, and authentic.
The goal is to establish a positive mood and set you up for a transition into your boundary setting.
An example of how you might start with something positive with a friend is: “I’m so glad we got to hang out yesterday-- it was great to catch up!”
Or, if you’re setting this with your boss at work, you could say, “I’ve been thinking about our work relationship and really appreciating how supportive you’ve always been about your employees maintaining a healthy work-life balance.”
Whatever it is, make sure it’s something you actually do feel positively about, and try to express it as authentically as possible.Transition into boundary-setting. One way to transition into your boundary is to very briefly mention whatever it was that made you think of this boundary in the first place.
This transition could look like: “I was thinking about our conversation yesterday, and…”
Or: “I was reflecting on my own work-life balance the other day, and…”Explain why you are setting the boundary. Author Simon Sinek has a whole book and TED talk about why you should “start with why.”
The short version is that according to neuroscience, when you hear about the “why” of something, it is much more easily digested by your brain than the “how” of it, so people are better at remembering and internalizing things when they hear the “why” first.
So, talk about the “why” behind your boundary.
If this is a close or personal relationship, it can be appropriate to use the form: I’ve been realizing that when X happens, I feel Y.
For example: “I’ve been realizing that when I hear people gossiping, I feel uncomfortable.”
If it feels more appropriate to your situation or if this is a more professional or distant relationship, though, you can address the “why” of your boundary without discussing feelings. For example:
“I’ve been trying to be more honest with myself about how much work I can take on at once. I know the quality of my work suffers if I take on too much, and it’s important to me to make sure the quality of my work is reliable.”Express what you want from them (not what you don’t want from them). Studies show that if I asked you to NOT think about a polar bear for ten seconds, you’d be likely to have a pretty hard time not thinking about a polar bear.
If I really don’t want you to think about a polar bear for ten seconds, a better strategy would be for me to tell you what I *do* want you to think about for those ten seconds instead.
So if you tell someone NOT to do something, that exact thing you told them not to do is going to be at the forefront of their mind. That’s why you’re often better off focusing on what you *do* want them to do instead of focusing on what you *don’t* want them to do.
For example, if I want you to stop gossiping when you’re around me, instead of saying something like, “I want you to stop gossiping around me,” I could say:
“I wanted to ask if you’d be okay with limiting our hangout chats to just what’s going on in our own lives.”
Or, if I’m working for you and what I want to say is, “Don’t give me so much work,” I could instead say:
“I was wondering if there’s any way we can reassign the project you just gave me to somebody else, or if that’s not possible, if we could extend the due date to give me more time to work on it.”
After you deliver this part, you can pause for a moment and gauge their response.If they respond positively to it, move to the next step. If there’s some hesitation or you’re skeptical they’ll go through with it, share what will happen if they break the boundary. If you find yourself feeling skeptical that they’ll be able to do what you’ve asked, it can be useful to tell them what you intend to do to protect yourself if they break your boundary.
Knowing that there are consequences to breaking your boundary can help nudge people into respecting your boundary if it’s within their capacity to do so.
It is also just good practice when you’re setting a boundary with a chronic boundary-breaker (or with someone who seems like they might not be able to respect this particular boundary) to make sure that you have a plan in place to protect yourself if they don’t respect your boundary so that your wellbeing isn’t hanging on this person’s capacity to act on your feedback.
Importantly, if you tell them what will happen if they break your boundary, be prepared to follow through.
For example: “Just as a heads up, if I notice that our convo drifts to gossip, I might take a break and leave for a bit.”
Or: “If we aren’t able to find a way to offload some of my work this week, I’d love to schedule a time to talk about some strategies for ensuring that I work no more than 40 hours a week in the future.”End with something positive. Since people are best at remembering things at the beginning and end of a series of events (as well as the emotional peaks), try to end with something positive so they can remember that positive feeling and associate it with this conversation.
One strategy I like for this is offering some perspective on how much you value the relationship you’re trying to improve with this new boundary. This strategy can work nicely because if you didn’t value this relationship, you probably wouldn’t have gone through all this trouble to set a boundary in the first place!
While boundaries help you feel closer to others in the long term, ending your boundary-setting conversation this way can help you feel closer to the other person in the short-term, too.
For example: “Our friendship is important to me, so it’s important to me that we get to focus our time together on the things that really matter to us.”
Or: “I love working here and hope to be here for the long-term, so I appreciate you taking the time to work with me to make this job as sustainable as possible.”
After you set your boundary, make sure you follow through on your pre-boundary checklist item of doing something nice for yourself! You can’t control how the other person responds to your boundary, and it’s okay if they don’t jump for joy at hearing what your needs are. But hopefully, this template gives you a decent way to up your odds that they’ll understand where you’re coming from, and that they’ll respond as positively as possible.
Know someone who needs to set a boundary? Often, a big barrier to boundary-setting is not being sure how to do it. Having some structure can help; feel free to share this to encourage a friend or loved one to set more boundaries in their lives.