5 signs that it's time for a friend break-up

Friend break-ups may be hard, but not breaking up with a friend who’s draining you consistently is even harder. So I’ve put together some tip offs that I recommend using to know if it’s time to let go of a friendship. Of course, there’s no one perfect method for determining what you should do, but I hope these guide you in making a decision that serves you as well as possible. So here are some signs you might want to re-think a friendship (or really any kind of relationship).

They are abusive. A lot of us overlook abusive behavior because it’s often easier to ignore that behavior than to confront or leave the people we care deeply about. But it’s impossible to have a healthy, consistently happy relationship with someone who is abusive. So if your friend is overly controlling, if they say mean things about you, if they gaslight you, or if they do anything else that’s abusive, it’s probably time to end that friendship, even if you’ve tolerated that behavior for a long time. Here’s a more comprehensive list of abusive behaviors to look out for via Healthline.
You feel consistently drained or bad after spending time with them, and don’t get much in return. It’s normal for friendships to have fluctuations where you feel drained after hanging out. From time to time, your friends will probably go through something difficult, and it may take a lot of emotional energy to support them.

But if you’re always doing the emotional labor and you can’t remember the last time that you got something positive from the relationship, it might be time to have a metaconversation.

Friendships don’t need to be perfectly equal for them to be satisfying and healthy. But if the scales are tipped too far in one direction for too long and you’ve been giving a lot without getting much in return, you may want to consider balancing out the give-and-take dynamics of your friendship. And if that doesn’t work, it might be time to let that friendship go.
You don’t feel like they respect you. Your friends should be able to remember how great you are, even when you can’t. So if there’s absolutely any circumstance where you don’t feel like they’re respecting you, that definitely merits a metaconversation, and if that conversation doesn’t work out, that might mean it’s time for a friend break-up.

That said, resolving this issue is sometimes just as easy as asking your friend, “Do you respect me?” And seeing how you feel about the answer— it can often be difficult to tell if you’re projecting your own fears onto someone else, so it can sometimes help to double-check your assumptions on whether or not someone else is respecting you. But if it turns out that they don’t respect you, it’s likely not healthy for you to keep putting effort into that relationship.
You dread hanging out with them. Even if you don’t know exactly what’s “wrong,” if you’re dreading interactions with your friend, it might mean that you have some unmet needs, either in the friendship, or in general. Either way, it’s definitely worth looking into if you’re dreading hanging out with your friends (and yes, this applies even if you’re an introvert and you dread social interaction in general).

Often, that dread is a sign that there’s some dynamic in your friendship(s) that don’t end up getting your needs met. If you notice any dread coming up as some plans approach, it might be a good opportunity to try some journaling or discuss it with a therapist to see where you might be able to more effectively meet your needs.
You just don’t like them. This one might sound harsh, but often, friends get “grandfathered in” because you used to be friends with them when you had different ideas of what you wanted out of your friendships. That doesn’t mean you have to stick it out out of loyalty. You don’t owe anyone your friendship, even if there’s a precedent of you spending time together or keeping in touch— things change, and that’s totally normal! Chances are, your values and what you’re looking for out of friendships will change throughout your lifetime, and you’re allowed to shift your friendships accordingly.

So if you’re on the fence about one friend in particular, feel free to flat out ask yourself: “Do I like them?” Your answer can give you a lot of information about how you may want to shift your relationship with this person.

And remember— you’re likely not doing anyone a favor by being their friend out of obligation. So, give yourself permission to put less time and effort into folks you just don’t jibe with. If you notice that you don’t even like your “friend,” that means that your time (and their time!) might be better spent fostering other relationships.

Making the decision to shift or end a friendship can be a really tough choice. So if you are thinking that you might want to have a hard conversation with a friend, or if you are thinking of ending a friendship, please offer yourself plenty of self-compassion along the way. Even if it’s the best thing for everyone, that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily easy. But you deserve to spend your time with people who help you feel great.