How to make friends as an adult

Making friends as an adult can be rough. Even as an extrovert with a lengthy list of hobbies and interests, it took me several years of living in Boston to find a group of friends I jibed with. Along the way, I tried everything from meetups to going to any local event that even tangentially related to any of my interests— I even joined a craft beer club for several years to try to meet new people. I didn’t even like beer!

Along the way, I learned what sort of stuff does— and doesn’t— actually work for making new friends. Here are some tips:

Follow your curiosity. From time to time, you’ll probably encounter someone you might like, but you just don’t have enough information about them yet. Maybe it’s someone you’re chatting with on a bus, maybe it’s a coworker, or maybe it’s just someone you find in a totally fortuitous, unexpected way that doesn’t usually lead to friendship. As long as it’s appropriate for your power dynamic (e.g., don’t ask your employees to hang with you in a friendship context), commit to “making the first move” with anyone you’re curious about.

A lot of us make the bar so high before we ask anyone to hang out— they have to be our friendship soulmate before we’ll give anyone our phone numbers. So lower the bar a bit to: “Am I curious to get to know them better?” If the answer is yes and there are no red flags or weird power dynamics involved, there’s no reason not to go for it! You can always set a boundary if things don’t work out (and if you get rejected, that’s okay, too— we’ve got your back for that too). But if you don’t try, you’ll never know.
Go to events that look fun for you. A lot of people will advise that you go to any event that’s happening near you, but I think it makes sense to be a little more discerning with your time and energy. I’ve heard a lot of stories of people being disappointed and discouraged after going to Meetups and similar events for folks in their age range. Even if you get along with a wide range of people, the chances of you finding and getting along with someone who’s a good fit for you is quite low if the only thing you’re narrowing down by is “has a Meetup account” and “is in my age range.”

The magic really happens when you find a niche. Don’t go to just anything— go to the stuff that seem fun or interesting to you. Even if those events aren’t specifically built for meeting new people, you are likely better off trying to make conversation with strangers at a tattoo convention that you’re interested in than you are at a generic Meetup gathering for people your age.

Of course, we have Skip the Small Talk in-person and online if the idea of talking about meaningful things with strangers sounds like it’s up your alley or is something you want to practice (and a lot of people report making real friends at them), but there are also plenty of other events out there! Google the name of your city + events + an interest of yours, and you might discover some events you may have never heard of otherwise.
Get in the habit of starting conversations with strangers. This can take a lot of practice before it feels comfortable, but it’s a skill that can serve you for the rest of your life. I think it’s a good investment of your time.

You don’t need to have hour-long conversations with everyone you meet. But even saying a quick positive thing about whatever you’re experiencing together at an event, or something positive about them (try to steer clear of positive things about physical appearance that isn’t a choice— so, saying something positive about someone’s hair texture is not a good compliment, but saying something positive about the way they styled it is), can go a long way! Even if you don’t end up with a best friend every time you start a conversation, it’s great practice, and at some point, you’re likely to meet someone you enjoy talking to.

If you’re commenting on something about the event, you can try something like, “Isn’t this band amazing? The trombonist is out of control!” If you’re trying something like a compliment, you can say something like, “Hey, I just wanted to say I love your earrings— I’ve been trying to get something like that! Can I ask where you got them?”

Then see where that takes you! It’s not going to land every time— a large percentage of the time, you may get people responding positively at first but then disengaging. That’s part of the whole process! At some point, you’re likely to have at least a few people keep the conversation going.

If you really end up with nobody biting, you might want to look into who you’re approaching— are you a man only starting conversation with women you find attractive? That might not be your best strategy for making new friends. You might want to try talking to other people, too. Are you a woman only talking to women who are already in a group? You might want to chat with other women who seem to be by themselves.
Resist the urge to be sarcastic. One thing I noticed when I volunteered at a suicide hotline for several years is that the lonelier someone was, the likelier they were to be sarcastic or otherwise harsh or critical of others. Chances are, if you’ve been on the friend hunt for a while, you might have feelings of loneliness come up more often. And if you’re feeling lonely on a consistent basis, you might be a little more sarcastic or critical when you talk to new people.

Sarcasm and criticism are often signals that people tend to interpret as meaning: “This person doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to hang out with me.” So using sarcasm and criticism is likely to make friendship-making even harder.

Now, I want to be clear— this doesn’t mean that you can’t express negative feelings to someone relatively new in your life. You can! It’s just helpful if you express those difficult feelings directly as opposed to letting them sneak out sideways through sarcasm and harshness.

So if you find yourself saying things that are sarcastic or critical, that’s totally normal. Give yourself some self-compassion (seriously— you’re going to want to skip this part, but please don’t— it really does help). And then see if you can dig a little and see what’s actually making you annoyed, or sad, or angry. Are you annoyed that it’s so hard to make new friends? That’s actually a very relatable thing that you may want to even talk about with one of the new people you meet! And if you find that what you’re upset about is something that isn’t appropriate to talk about with new or prospective friends, it might be time to look into getting a therapist to work through it. It’s likely to help your friend-making process a great deal.

Making friends can be a process. So go easy on yourself, have some strategies in your back pocket for when things don’t go your way, and remember that it’s totally normal for this to take a while. And of course, we’re here if you want to make new friends, whether online or in person, in a lower-stress way.