Why your life is hard and how you can fix it

Life will throw plenty of unpredictability at you. So why do so many of us go seeking out chaos in the areas of our lives where we actually have control? The short answer: seeking out chaos is a trauma response.

For those of us who grew up in chaotic environments— whether that chaos is from abusive caretakers, anxious caretakers, or even just caretakers who bickered in front of you— we’ll often feel the most comfortable in chaos. And that means that when given the option, we may tend to choose living spaces, friends, jobs, partners, hobbies, etc. that are chaotic in some way or another.

Choosing chaos in general isn’t necessarily a bad thing! We wouldn’t have anyone working in emergency rooms, or picking up the phone for folks who dial 911, or even acting, for that matter, if there weren’t some people who thrived in chaos. It’s a superpower. But it can also be a drain on your energy if you’re not careful.

That’s why I suggest, especially if you are someone who grew up in chaos and are drawn to chaos, to take inventory of your life from time to time by asking yourself the following question:

In what areas of my life am I proverbially banging my head against a wall?

Chances are, at any point in time, that there are at least a couple areas in your life where you’ve been hoping that a situation will change to become less of a drain on your energy, without much evidence to show that the situation will change. That is, you’re banging your head against a wall that isn’t going to move— and it still won’t move even if you bang your head really hard. The only reliable change you can expect over time is that your head is going to really hurt.

This “banging your head against a wall” situation where you’re hoping something will change can take a lot of forms. Some classics are:

The friend you keep hanging out with even though you keep finding yourself feeling worse after hanging out with them.
The romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t treat you how you’d like to be treated (but staying with them anyway).
The job you continue to stay it because it pays decently, but which leaves you praying for 5 pm to come every day.
The family member that you still talk to regularly even though they suck your energy without giving anything in return.

The secret to understanding the “banging your head against a wall” phenomenon is that a part of you likely wants that chaos. While it can be hard to imagine how a person could ever want a stressful job or an inattentive partner, it’s actually quite common for people to stay in less-than-ideal situations because they are used to less-than-ideal situations, or on some level don’t feel like they deserve (or can get) a better option. These are rationalizations we often tell ourselves to keep ourselves in comfortable but painful situations. But deep down, a part of us is actively seeking out these chaotic and sometimes harmful situations because they are familiar.

So let’s say you’ve identified some spots in your life where you’re banging your head against a wall. Now what?

It’s time for some self-compassion. A lot of people feel shame when they first notice a spot in their life where they’re (on some level deliberately) throwing themselves at a harmful situation. But it’s only natural to seek out what you’re most accustomed to! And taking some time to realize where you’re coming from and why can help you take the next step.

After some self-compassion, it can help to talk about it with someone who can hold your best interest in mind, whether that’s a reliable friend, or a therapist, or a peer support line, or even a stranger. Often, feeling support from others is the missing piece between “knowing something is bad for you” and “knowing something is bad for you and then doing something about it.”

Lastly, perhaps with the help of the above supportive person or people, you may want to come up with a concrete exit strategy for yourself. What steps would you like to take to remove yourself from this situation (or to improve your situation if removing yourself is not possible— but you may want to challenge yourself if you start thinking to yourself that it’s not possible to leave this situation, because often even the most permanent-feeling situations are completely leave-able)? Hashing out the logistics can make it feel scary as a change begins to feel more “real,” and that’s totally normal. Most of the time, you don’t need to make any big decisions immediately, and you’re always welcome to change your mind.

Periodically asking yourself where in your life you’re banging your head against a wall can drastically improve your quality of life. If you find it helpful, you may want to even set some recurring calendar reminders several times a year to take inventory of your life and check if there are any areas where you’re banging your head against a wall. If you’re not sure whether something really counts as banging your head against a wall (e.g., is your relationship just going through a rough patch? Is your job just stressful for now but you expect it to improve soon?), you can always wait until your next calendar event to see if things have gotten better by then.

Of course, a part of doing this is also recognizing that you’re not going to catch everything, and you’re not going to catch everything as soon as you might wish you did. And that’s all part of it, so please go easy on yourselves!

If you do end up trying it, let us know how it goes!