Relationships To "Home" In Adulthood

In the weeks and months leading up to the winter holidays, it’s common to start hearing questions like “so when do you go home for the holidays?” and “where’s home for you?” Sometimes it’s easy to answer this question, especially if your holiday traditions have stayed pretty steady since childhood. But for many, the conceptualization and relationship to “home” has changed drastically as we move into adulthood and dynamics, geography, and meaning surrounding the idea of “home” shifts. It can be difficult to put into words what exactly has changed, or what the emotions are present - we may feel guilt, sadness, relief, among many others when we think about this shift.

If your head feels a little jumbled while you prepare for however you spend the holiday season, read on for some different experiences or dynamics that may resonate with you around your relationship to “home.” The ability to describe your experiences, orientation, and emotions regarding the idea of home and homecoming is incredibly valuable in validating your own emotions and making conversations around the holidays a little bit easier. In addition, please let these descriptions be a reminder that there are so many different contexts and relationships to home out there - and however you experience it, you are definitely not alone!

Your Parents May Have Moved

Going “home” is something often equated with going back to your home town, or the physical place in which you grew up. If your parents have moved, however, it may start to feel like you never really get to go home, truly. Going “home” to a place that’s unfamiliar, or maybe feels like just your parents’ home and not yours can make you feel unmoored and even a little unwelcome (even if you’re not). It may also shift the dynamic of going home if you’re accustomed to seeing hometown friends or visit hometown establishments that provide a sense of comfort. On the other hand, if you felt uncomfortable going back to your hometown for any reason, this move may come as a relief!

Emotions you may feel are: unmoored, discomfort, sense of loss, relief.

You Home When You Were Growing Up May Never Have Been Safe, Or Felt Like Home

Home, or where you grew up, may never have felt safe to you - either physically or psychologically. If this is the case, perhaps you’ve decided not to return to that version of home anymore. Or, you may be in a situation in which you must or still prefer to return home, but it is a stressful, unpleasant, or even distressing experience for you. For you, you may still think of this place as home, but home may just not be a place you are excited about returning to - and that is totally ok! This experience may also give you a sense of gratitude for the place-making or community-building you’ve done outside of this version of home that does fulfill you.

Emotions you may feel are: anger, distress, sense of loss, gratitude.

You May Be Estranged From Family, And Feel Like You Don’t Have A True Home

Estrangement from family is often the right and necessary move, particularly in abusive family dynamics. Though that difficult choice may be a saving grace for your mental and emotional health, it can leave you feeling very confused about your relationship to home. You may feel like you don’t have a home; you may feel like your home is within your chosen family; you may feel overwhelmed from the pressure that it’s now your responsibility to build a home; the list goes on. All of these emotions are totally valid, and likely come with some form of grief for what you had, or what home you should have had that was never available to you. In addition, explaining the concept of estrangement to others can feel very daunting, as it comes with a lot of societal stigma. Remember that you are not alone, and that you don’t owe an explanation about your “home” to anybody just because it’s the holiday season. Only share what you’re comfortable with, and your emotions are completely valid!

Emotions you may feel are: grief, relief, confusion, loneliness, misunderstood. 

You May Feel More At Home In Your Adult Living Situation

Even if your childhood home was a wonderful experience, you may just feel more at home in the life or place that you’ve built for yourself in adulthood. While returning home in your early adulthood may have felt like a relief or a welcomed break from whatever was happening in your life, those sensations may happen more consistently in your built home. This may bring up feelings of guilt around wanting to feel that same connection for yourself, or for your family’s sake. And/or you may feel very proud and elated that you’ve built such a wonderful home for yourself in this stage of life.

Emotions you may feel are: guilt, longing, confusion, pride, glee.

You May Have Had A Lot Of Homes Growing Up

If you moved around a lot, or perhaps were a child of parents involved in the military, your home base may have changed a lot growing up - and that may or may not have continued into adulthood. This may be something that you really valued, due to the ability to see so many new places, meet new people, and more. On the other hand, you may feel some resentment about never having that traditional “home” others may reference, and you may feel some sense of loss for your younger and present self. It’s important to reflect on what home does look like for you now, and how this experience played into how you shape your concept of home.

Emotions you may feel are: ungrounded, resentment, sense of loss, gratitude.

Your Physical Home May Be The Same, But Dynamics Within It Feel Unfamiliar

You may be going home to the same physical place (house, town, etc.) but perhaps the family dynamics have changed drastically, or just a little bit. Maybe your caretakers have split up, and have new partners; perhaps siblings or other loved ones have children of their own; perhaps people that were a big part of your experience of home are no longer with you. Like many of the other experiences in this post, there are a wide range of emotions you may be feeling, and it’s important to try to process these with a loved one - preferably someone outside of your family dynamics.

Emotions you may feel are: grief, sense of loss, energized, confusion, misplaced. 

Your Idea Of Home May Be Your People, Not Your Place

You may simply be someone who is not particularly invested in physical place in your life - and that is totally ok! When you think of home, your mind may gravitate to the people in your life that make you feel at home. This may be a reaction to your formative experiences with the idea of home, or it may just be the way that your brain works. Either way, you may feel a bit misunderstood when discussing homecoming with others, but this is a totally valid orientation to have!

Emotions you may feel are: disconnect, apathy, gratitude, misunderstood.

You May Not Enjoy Going Home Because It Triggers Memories, Emotions, And/Or Reactions You Don’t Like

We’re all familiar with the idea of “regression”, particularly when we return to our childhood homes. Being in the same place and around the same people often brings up emotions, reactions, and memories of that time. We often find ourselves reacting to triggers in the way that we would have when we were 15, or feeling insecurities about ourselves that we may have otherwise left in the past. If the idea of going home makes you anxious or scared of these triggers and emotions coming up, you are not alone! Even acknowledging that this is the case, and what specifically may come up for you can be an excellent way to mitigate some of the negative emotions.

Emotions you may feel are: apprehensive, anxious, insecure, angry, fearful.

However you’re feeling going into the season of “when do you go home for the holidays?,” it’s important to name the situations and emotions that come up, process them with a trusted person, and most importantly: have compassion for yourself and know that as isolated as you may feel in your experience, you are definitely not alone. You got this!