Ask a Nonbinary Person: On Nonbinary Gender Identity
Identifying with a nonbinary gender identity can come with a lot of misconceptions.
The basic definition of “nonbinary,” as it stands, is not identifying within the binary of solely man or woman. This means that some nonbinary people can feel as if they have no gender, are partially or both man or woman, or have a distinctive other gender or genders entirely. The spectrum of nonbinary gender identity is a wide one, meaning that while it’s fascinating to explore for some, for others, confusion may arise surrounding it. Though official statistics on nonbinary populations are by and large difficult to find, the National Library of Medicine reports that gender-minority persons, or nonbinary people, are even more likely than binary trans people to experience discrimination at work and school, and are far less likely to be out in the workplace. Some of this discrimination may arise from the continued debate over using the singular “they” as a pronoun, as many argue it’s not grammatically correct, despite it being accepted in many major dictionaries as of 2022.
Photo by Katie Rainbow 🏳️🌈 on Pexels
So how can we reduce discrimination against people with nonbinary gender identities? Obviously, the road to true acceptance, as with any oft misunderstood minority, is a long one. But we can begin with understanding, and talking and listening to people who identify as nonbinary as they share their stories. I asked two nonbinary people, Lucid Brown (they/them) and Archer Forsyth (they/them) a few questions regarding nonbinary gender identity, and their own personal journeys in discovering themselves and their identities. Here were some of their answers.
1. How would you describe your gender identity?
L: I give different descriptions of my gender identity to different people. I have to explain it the most with acquaintances (and doctors and hairdressers and everyone else I happen to interact with). I will say I’m nonbinary with people who aren’t LGBT/queer, and I will say nonbinary or genderqueer with people who are LGBT/queer.
When people really ask, I explain that I have a distinct feeling of gender that is entirely separate from male and female. If red is female, and blue is male, I’m yellow. I was once in a class, and the teacher as an icebreaker had people who felt more female go to the left side of the room and people who felt more male go to the right, and everyone lined up along where they felt. I just left the room.
A: I fall under the nonbinary umbrella and identify with that term, but there are many different ways to be nonbinary. My specific brand is androgyny - I literally identify as an androgyne, simultaneously 100% male and 100% female. Calling me by 'he' or 'she' feels weird to me, like it is excluding the other - so I use they/them to capture both equally.
Photo by Katie Rainbow 🏳️🌈 on Pexels
2. When did you first realize you were nonbinary?
L: I was introduced to my own queerness through learning about asexuality when I was 13. Through the ace community, I quickly found the agender and nonbinary community, as there was and still is a huge overlap. I spent a lot of time just reading forums about agender and nonbinary people. Then, I was having dinner with my family at a family owned restaurant, and the owner was chatting with us and he kept calling me princess over and over again, and it bothered me so much. Just more than I was able to deal with. On the drive home, I realized I couldn’t do the girl thing anymore. I came out about a month later.
A: I have never been satisfied with my name. When I got into high school, I quickly befriended a trans boy in my math class, who was able to go around and tell me his name - which obviously wasn't the name his parents gave him when he was born.
I couldn't stop thinking about that. It took me over a year of deliberation, and several months where I thought I was genderfluid (feeling male one day and female the next, and so on), but I eventually landed on a nonbinary identity, and the name Archer.
I came out as NB on Facebook later that year, on National Coming Out Day (October 11). In the hall on October 12, one of my underclassmen called out to me - "Hey, Archer!" I started smiling without meaning to, and I couldn't stop for the rest of the day. I have always been nonbinary. I just didn't realize it, didn't have the words for it, until a few years down the line.
3. What are some of the best things about being nonbinary?
L: I love breaking people’s expectations. I think it’s just who I am, but I love causing people to really question their assumptions. When someone asks about my gender and is genuinely curious I love getting an opportunity to really talk about what gender means, to me and to the person asking. My favorite thing is connecting with other queer people, because presenting as queer, androgynus, and openly trans and nonbinary shows people around me that they’re safe to be themselves and I’ve got their backs if they want to present queerer and weirder.
A: My ideal state of being, my ideal gender expression, is as someone who walks by on the street and you can't exactly tell what their gender is. "Sir? ...Uhh, ma'am? ... Sir...?" Someone who has transcended the limitations of manhood or womanhood, an unknowable mystery with power within it. It seems poetic, with not a lot of practical applications, but embodying that vision is definitely a high point of being nonbinary for me. I am distinctly myself and nothing else. Though I am simultaneously male and female, I cannot be comfortably slotted into the mold of "woman" or "man" in society. Being nonbinary forces people to have to actually think about me as myself.
4. What are some challenges you face as a nonbinary person?
L: People are just so rude all the time. I get misgendered the most when people see me as someone being female “incorrectly”. A very purposeful “ladies” or “miss” can just show me how little someone cares about perceiving me and only cares about forcing me into the box that makes them the most comfortable.
Medical situations are especially hard, because in the ER if you’re lucky to get a nurse’s attention you don’t want to screw that up by asking a potentially transphobic nurse to use the correct pronouns. I actually have a tattoo of the nonbinary gender symbol so I have something on my body that shows I’m nonbinary, even when the doctors performing surgery on me are misgendering me.
A: Many people assume that a nonbinary identity is an optional add-on to my assigned gender at birth, which they are allowed to ignore at their convenience. For years after coming out as nonbinary, my parents still did not use the name Archer, and they didn't use they/them pronouns either. I spoke to them about it multiple times, and every time they had excuses. Once, my mom told me that she didn't acknowledge it because she thought it was a phase... five full years after I first came out. Now, eight years since publicly coming out, they have learned to call me Archer. They now use my correct pronouns maybe 50% of the time. This isn't just with family members. Coworkers, friends of friends, people on the street. For some reason, this disrespect is just normal and acceptable.
5. What’s your advice for someone who’s trying to figure out if they’re nonbinary?
L: Gender is a social construct. That phrase gets thrown around a lot, but if you sit with it, and read some queer theory or memoirs, watch nonbinary youtubers or tiktokers, and connect with your queer friends in real life, you’ll start to understand it as more than just a cute phrase. Gender, like language, isn’t a physical thing like a rock or a chair. But it’s still very real and involved in the world around us.
There’s a middle grade book called Frindle, about a kid who gets his whole class and eventually the whole nation to change the word pencil to frindle. Gender is flexible, it can change your reality if you convince the people around you to help you express yourself the way you want to. Being nonbinary is always a balnce betweeen fufilling your desire for self-expression with managing the unfortunate constraints of reality. But when you realize that reality itself is just the result of many people expressing themselves to each other…that’s when things really get interesting.
A: Understand that there is no one out there who can tell you who you are. It is okay to just try on the label of being nonbinary; you are permitted to enter this space, even if you're not completely sure about it. If your nonbinary experience doesn't seem to feel like 'everyone else's', that's fine too; it's normal for every nonbinary experience to be different. There are many ways to be NB, and your way of being yourself is certainly included within it.
Cover Photo by Katie Rainbow on Unsplash