How To Come Out
Coming out, whether it be to friends, family, or even in the workplace, can be an extremely anxiety-inducing process. Rejection in all its forms is one of the hardest things we can deal with as human beings, but rejection after baring your soul to someone about your identity? That can be soul-crushing. A 2019 study by the Yale School of Medicine estimates that 83% of people identifying as LGBTQ+ globally keep their orientation hidden from the majority of people they come into contact with. This “global closet” is the result of many things, such as anti-LGBT legislation, societal norms, and religious beliefs, and in many places, is a decision that’s very justified.
But what if you’ve decided to come out to someone in your life, despite the risks? How do you go about revealing such a personal side of yourself to another person? And do you know how they’re going to react?
Well, the short answer is that you don’t. Coming out is always going to be somewhat of a gamble, no matter how you go about it. There is no singular way to come out. But there are ways to go about it to ensure the best odds of success, or at least a non-negative reaction.
Now, if you do experience a negative reaction upon coming out, know that it isn’t your fault. Sometimes someone’s personal prejudices can override their opinion towards you, and that isn’t something that you need to accept. At the end of the day, you are yourself, and there’s no good reason someone shouldn’t accept you being yourself.
Advice For Coming Out
1. Test The Waters Ahead Of Time
Before jumping headlong into the coming out process, it can sometimes be helpful to test the waters a bit. Do you know how the person you’re coming out to feels about LGBTQ+ topics, or people of the specific orientation you’re coming out as? If not, it can be helpful to try to hint at your own imminent coming out by mentioning others with similar identities to yours. If you have a friend who’s recently come out, you could mention it and gauge how the person feels about their orientation or gender identity. If not, you could also use a celebrity as an example. You don’t want to risk outing yourself prematurely of course, so it might not be a good idea to use the tried-and-true “I have this friend who…” strategy unless you actually do have a friend who just came out. But nevertheless, it can always be helpful to try to get a feeling of how the person you’re coming out to will react when you finally do tell them.
2. Find A Good Time + Location
Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash
My friends and I have a mantra: “never come out in a car”. There’s a reason for this: telling big news to someone while they’re driving is never a good idea. It’s distracting, you’re putting yourself and the person in potential danger, and it doesn’t give them time to actually process what you’re saying.
Coming out is all about timing and location. First, you want to pick a time to talk when you know everyone involved has a moment to sit and actually comprehend what you’re saying. The two times I’ve come out to my immediate family, once as gay and once as trans, I asked them, in-person, if I could talk to them about something at a time where we could all sit together. Vague, I know (I also added the rarely reassuring addendum that it was “nothing bad”), but I wanted a moment in their fast-paced lives where we could actually sit and pay attention to one another. Timing is everything, and the conversation is likely to go more smoothly if you plan ahead before coming out to someone, rather than impulsively bringing it up off-hand. The only time I’ve ever decided in the moment to come out to someone was when a friend, who didn’t know I was trans at the time, came out to me as trans first!
Location is also extremely important. In my book, there are two strategies to this. One is the obvious, to choose a private location where you can talk without interruption. It helps to choose somewhere where you yourself feel safe, such as in your home, but obviously this can’t always be the case. A private space creates a private atmosphere where it’s just you and the person, and that privacy can help if you want the coming out process to be a deeper or longer discussion.
The second route is a little different. This involves choosing a semi-public place for the discussion. Now, why would you want to come out in a public place? Well, if you’re afraid of an adverse reaction, coming out somewhere where there are other people around can actually be the safer option. If you choose a restaurant, for example, any yelling, crying, or loud reactions probably won’t feel appropriate for the space, so these types of negative reactions can usually be avoided. It also provides a more casual setting, so that if you just want to come out quickly and get it over with, you have the opportunity to do so.
3. Secure Outside Support/Resources
Always come out first to the person you feel you can trust the most with the information. Whether this be someone who’s also in the LGBTQ+ community or a close friend or family member, it’s always good to have someone who you know will be on your side before embarking on one of your more nerve-wracking coming out ventures. This person or group of people can serve as your support who you can fall back on if some of your other coming out attempts go sour. In lieu of a support group made up of friends or family, it’s always very important to find some kind of support structure to back you up so that you’re not alone. This could be a local LGBTQ+ support group that you could begin attending, an accepting online community, or even an LGBTQ+ crisis or help line. It can be scary to come out alone, and having a network of support backing you can make a horrible coming out experience feel not as painful.
4. Give the Person Time
Photo by Aron Visuals on Unsplash
Not everyone is going to be accepting right away. And some people, as heartbreaking as it is, never will. But sometimes, a lukewarm first reaction can eventually give way to understanding later down the line. When you come out to someone, you’re changing an image of yourself they have in their mind to something different. Sometimes, this is something entirely new for the person, especially if you’re coming out as an identity they might have never heard of before. It can take time for them to adjust.
This is one of the hardest parts of coming out, because at first, they may say some ignorant or hurtful things to you about your identity. And you have no personal responsibility to forgive them for these things, or to have to educate them about every single facet of a complex identity. And, that said, it’s often helpful to keep in mind that some things are truly said out of ignorance rather than hate. Some people, but not everyone, can change their tune after some education or research.