For Life "After" The Pandemic...
I shared my own personal experience with re-entry anxiety in my previous posts. I highlighted my go-to resources for interpersonal and romantic relationships, relationship OCD (R-OCD), and escapism. I also offered some resources for Black-centered healing and personal organization.
I did my best to outline many of my biases, experiences, and narratives that influence my belief systems and worldviews to explain why I chose these resources. During my arc of recovering from pandemic isolation, I realized that I'm more equipped than ever to handle coping with the anxieties that accompany change.
As promised, these are some additional tools that have helped me cope with feeling utterly thrown off by even the most minor social interactions in 2022. Most of these resources are free (or, at least, have free components). However, I use Amazon for items that require purchase, noted with a "$" before and after relevant links.
So, in no particular order…
The Rest Of My Favorite Tools For Life "After" COVID
Relationships | OCD | Escapism | Black-Centered | Organizing | Caregiving | Self-Growth | Gardening | Sexy Time
6. For My Caregiving Support…
When the world shut down, I moved back home. I spent several months sleeping in the same room with the same wallpaper I stared at through high school. My mother has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) and a severe tremor. My father was clearly showing signs of dementia, which was diagnosed later in 2020. I didn't want to spend a pandemic-induced shutdown an hour south of Boston over an hour away from my parents, who already needed my help 2-3 times each week. I also didn't have a lot of faith that my parents would wear masks and keep their distance from people until we had a handle on COVID-19.
Several of my friends lost at least one parent over the last couple of years, if not more than one family member. I have been lucky. My family has been lucky. Unfortunately, however, my parents have also aged and developed more advanced symptoms, so caregiving is now like having a part-time job where both of my parents need care almost equivalent to a child.
Most of the resources I have found are local and based in nearby communities. I hope that sharing these insights can help you, even if you live outside Massachusetts's North Shore.
End-of-Life Doulas Website
End-of-life doulas guide people who are transitioning from life to death. Doulas also support loved ones of the dying, as well. This support can last for years. There’s aging, and then there is AGING and facing death. They are very different and have a different impact on a person and those around them.
A doula will provide emotional, spiritual, and physical support to everyone involved in the process of death and grief. The doula listens deeply to the concerns, fears, hopes, and life stories of the dying person and their loved ones to bring them peace during the dying process. This has tremendous value.
Dying is more isolating than I can possibly express. It does not matter how close your family may be to each other. The process is draining. Even someone dealing with grief in the healthiest ways cannot sustain this process alone, and the kind of support offered by non-professionals often isn’t enough. End-of-life doulas can provide emotional and logistical support not offered by doctors, lawyers, or even peers.
Smart Technology
Even if you’re not caring for someone with dementia, smart technology can be super helpful when caring for elders. Below are a few of my favorite devices and what makes them unique.
$ Facebook Portal $
Have you seen those commercials with Grandma calling her grandchildren to video chat for bedtime stories? Cute, right? You don’t realize until you start researching these devices that they can only call each other. That means an Echo Show can only complete video calls to another Echo Show. So, my parents would be limited to only calling other family members who decided to purchase a similar device, which can get pretty expensive pretty quickly.
The Facebook Portal is the only device (that I have found so far) that can sit on your counter and video call anyone on your Facebook friends list. Bonus: It can sync with any other Alexa technology. The Portal has tracking technology, so the video zooms in and out to follow you around a room. I bought one for myself and I use it to watch Facebook streaming videos while I cook, to attend Zoom meetings, and to listen to Spotify. My mom also uses her Portal to remind her when to take medication, and it alerts her when any Amazon packages arrive out front.
My dad had a lot of back pain in late 2020. It's hard for people with dementia to interpret bodily pain and manage it. We went through months of trial and error with understanding trying to figure out what was going on and how to address it, finally landing on some new arthritis medication. My father found the bottle and took it as often as he might take Advil. It took us about a week to realize what was happening. That's when I knew my mother shouldn't manage his medication much longer. She can still handle her own, but she can't monitor everything for my father.
My partner Orlando told me about Hero, which can hold up to 90 pills and dispense on a schedule OR "at-will" using the app. So, that means that I can help manage my dad's medication (or give someone else the login for it) even if I am traveling. You must buy the machine and there is a monthly fee. However, this is more affordable than hiring a caregiver to dispense medication when I am not available.
In addition to the above smart tech, I have also found the following devices helpful: cameras in common areas of the house (for monitoring movement and visitors), smart doorbells and locks (also helpful for visitors), and smart scales (to record health data regarding my parents, with their permission, of course). These are all tools synced to apps on my phone that help me keep my parents home and happy for as long as possible.
Support Groups
AgeSpan (formerly Elder Services of Merrimack Valley) is a great resource to get your family matched with a caseworker for some additional support. AgeSpan hosts caregiver support groups.
While AgeSpan is a great resource, I have found the most help in reading local and neighboring town newsletters. For example, I currently attend a Chelmsford-based support group for caregivers and I’d say that I learn about two or three new valuable things to support my parents every other week. Unfortunately, this support group isn't listed anywhere except in a printed and mailed newsletter from the neighboring town. I don't receive a hard copy, but most towns make PDFs of their newsletters available online if you search for "(town name) newsletter" or something similar. This is also how I started volunteering at a local community bingo night, which has been an effective way to gently nudge my mom to attend and get out of the house once a week.
Most importantly, sharing your story helps so much more than you might realize that it will. And amazingly, being a little more vulnerable can help just as much practically as it does emotionally. I was initially afraid that telling contractors, bankers, or neighbors about my parents' vulnerabilities would make my parents more susceptible to harm. Though that's a valid fear, almost everyone has responded to that vulnerability with support, going above and beyond to check on my parents, ensure proper construction on their house, show them grace and patience if they have the wrong paperwork, etc. This also helps me continue to have a life outside of caregiving that includes my caregiving role.
7. For My Own Self-Growth & Healing…
As a caregiver, healing work has been super important to help me prevent burnout and stay present in my relationships. Also, getting laid off and having the option to move home and help my parents also meant that I had time to focus on reading, watching videos, and generally thinking deeply outside of 9-5 corporate America treadmilling. Caregiving is a lot of work, not just in terms of time, but also in terms of being a bit of a workout for your heart and soul. So if you have caregivers in your life, it’s helpful to consider how you might give them some of their own time back, or how you might be able to hold space for them.
Shadow Work Library Podcast | Website
Shadow work means focusing on your unconscious mind to uncover the repressed and hidden parts of yourself. This can include trauma or aspects of your personality that you subconsciously consider undesirable.
I started listening to the Shadow Word Library Podcast from the beginning. I appreciate how the first set of episodes from 2020 primarily focus on specific problematic personality traits, shame vs. blame responses to these traits, and how to have balance, often in less than 20 minutes. Jessica Depatie provides practical insights without getting lost in overly complex concepts.
Books
I didn’t read my first book until I was a senior in high school. I didn’t understand the pleasure, the private worlds, and the radical mental shifts reading can offer until adulthood. Now, I’m hooked. These are some of the books that have rocked my world (and my understanding of it). I even started folding page corners and writing in the margins (with an erasable pen!).
$ Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good (Emergent Strategy) $
Part of: Emergent Strategy (6 Books) | by adrienne maree brown | Mar 19, 2019
This is a dense book featuring essays, art, and other bite sized but robust pieces of content. It’s incredible how much can fit in just one sentence!
Abbreviated summary from Amazon: How do we make social justice the most pleasurable human experience? How can we awaken within ourselves desires that make it impossible to settle for anything less than a fulfilling life? Drawing on the black feminist tradition, adrienne maree brown challenges readers to rethink the ground rules of activism. Her mindset-altering essays are interwoven with conversations and insights from other feminist thinkers.
Together they cover a wide array of subjects—from sex work to climate change, from race and gender to sex and drugs—building new narratives about how politics can feel good and how what feels good always has complex politics. Building on the success of her popular Emergent Strategy, brown launches a new series of the same name with this volume, bringing readers books that explore experimental, expansive, and innovative ways to meet the challenges that face our world today. Books that find the opportunity in every crisis!
$ Emergent Strategy $ is radical self-help, society-help, and planet-help to shape the futures we want. Change is constant. The world, our bodies, and our minds are in a continuous state of flux. They are a stream of ever-mutating, emergent patterns. Rather than steel ourselves against such change, Emergent Strategy teaches us to map and assess the swirling structures and interpret them as they happen, all the better to shape that which ultimately shapes us, personally and politically. A wild feminist and afro-futurist ride!
$ Raising Free People: Unschooling as Liberation and Healing Work $
by Akilah S. Richards and Bayo Akomolafe | Dec 1, 2020
For Akilah S. Richards, cries for help swelled as families increasingly faced the impacts of school shutdowns and the crisis of COVID-19. As everyone stumbled into virtual school, home school, or sometimes no school at all, Richards received plea after plea from parents who had no idea how to function and how to make it through each day without the school system. I cannot put this into better words myself, so…
“Akilah’s voice is so warm and personal that sometimes I don’t notice how seriously radical and impactful her words are—that is, until I catch myself speaking and listening to my own child with noticeably more humility, curiosity, and respect. Raising Free People pulls off that rare miracle: it’s a book for everyone, offering fresh and significant insights to people like me who’ve spent decades learning about unschooling, while simultaneously welcoming and engaging the parent who has never previously stopped to question the validity or importance of school...”
Grace Llewellyn, author of The Teenage Liberation Handbook and founder of Not Back to School Camp
Abbreviated summary from Amazon: No one is immune to the byproducts of compulsory schooling and standardized testing. And while reform may be a worthy cause for some, it is not enough for countless others still trying to navigate the tyranny of what schooling has always been. Raising Free People argues that we need to build and work within systems genuinely designed for any human to learn, grow, socialize, and thrive, regardless of age, ability, background, or access to money.
The book explores examples of the transition from schooling or homeschooling to unschooling, of how single parents and people facing financial challenges unschool successfully, and of the ways unschooling allows us to address generational trauma and unlearn the habits we mindlessly pass on to children. In these detailed and unabashed stories and insights, Richards examines how her relationships to blackness, decolonization, and healing work all combine to form relationships and enable community-healing strategies rooted in an unschooling practice. This is how millions of families center human connection, practice clear and honest communication, and raise children who do not grow up to feel that they narrowly survived their childhoods.
$ We Will Not Cancel Us: And Other Dreams of Transformative Justice (Emergent Strategy) $
Part of: Emergent Strategy (6 Books) | by adrienne maree brown and Malkia Devich-Cyril | Nov 17, 2020
I felt super resistant to reading this book. Most of the voices I have heard pushing back against "cancel culture" are trying to silence those confronting harm, as opposed to trying to reduce harm. But I knew adrienne maree brown wasn't likely to fall into this camp. And in this short book, she makes some valid points.
Abbreviated summary from Amazon: "Cancel" or "call-out" culture is a source of much tension and debate in American society. Originating as a way for marginalized and disempowered people to address harm and take down powerful abusers, often with the help of social media, call-outs are seen by some as having gone too far. But what is "too far" when you're talking about power imbalances and patterns of harm? And what happens when people in social justice movements direct their righteous anger inward at one another?
In "We Will Not Cancel Us," movement mediator adrienne maree brown reframes the discussion for us in a way that points to possible paths beyond this impasse. Most critiques of cancel culture come from outside the milieus that produce it, sometimes even from its targets. However, brown explores the question from a Black, queer, and feminist viewpoint that gently asks, how well this practice serves us? Does it prefigure the sort of world we want to live in? And, if it doesn't, how do we seek accountability and redress for harm in ways that reflect our values?
$ Playing Monogamy $ (only available directly through Publication Studio)
by Simon(e) van Sarrloos| Sep 2019
Playing Monogamy is a refreshing perspective on what it means to be compulsively monogamous rather than to choose monogamy. It asks readers to ponder our existing, dominant relationship-building cultures without "pitching" non-monogamy or acting as a guide to polyamory for couples or individuals. Instead, this book honestly asks for self-reflection, challenging readers to consider how they relate to others and why.
From the author's website: Love is love, but not really. To recognize love as love we need comprehensible images. What are those contemporary images that help us identify love, and how could we identify love differently, figuring it as less defined by safety procedures, measured commitment, and feelings of ownership and entitlement? Playing Monogamy refuses to see personal relationships as safe havens where people can hide from the precarities of society and instead proposes to make public life more intimate and romantic. Originally written in Dutch and published by De Bezige Bij, Publication Studio is excited to bring this book to an English-speaking audience for the very first time. A digital version of the book is available for $6.
$ Ask: Building Consent Culture $
by Kitty Stryker , Carol Queen, et al. | Oct 27, 2017
Another collection of essays, this book is a remarkably light read while delving deep into the complexities of consent and how pervasive our need is for a more robust consent culture.
Abbreviated summary from Amazon: Violating consent isn't limited to sexual relationships, and our discussions around consent shouldn't be, either. To resist rape culture, we need a consent culture that is more than just reactionary. Left confined to intimate spaces, consent will atrophy as a theory that is never put into practice. In Ask, Kitty Stryker assembles a retinue of writers, journalists, and activists to examine how a cultural politic centered on consent can empower us outside the bedroom, whether at the doctor's office or with law enforcement, or calling out financial abuse within radical communities. More than a collection of essays, Ask is a testimony and guide on the role that negated consent plays in our lives, examining how we can take those first steps to reclaim it from institutionalized power.
So, what are my major takeaways from these books? What do they all have to do with personal growth?
Listen to BIPOC voices always.
Compulsory pleasure, compulsory schooling, compulsory justice, compulsory monogamy, compulsory anything isn't helpful for anyone, aside from reinforcing harmful power dynamics.
There are viable, realistic alternatives to these existing, compulsory paradigms.
Racism hurts white people.
My understanding of consent was (and still likely is) incredibly flawed. A clear "yes" or "no" is idealistic and sometimes unrealistic. Don't get me wrong. Ambiguity is no excuse for violating someone's boundaries. Information and transparency are foundational to building a culture of consent.
8. For My Garden…
Did you start to plant things during the pandemic? Did you have a lot of experience gardening before COVID-19? How about composting?
I grew up on a dying farm, but it had been decades since I potted a seed in any soil. I had never taken the time to learn about how wildly different growing seasons can be from each other. The idea of keeping food waste under my sink, sorting the right kinds of waste, and knowing when to turn a pile of compost was overwhelming. These resources have helped me succeed at growing food that I eat and at reducing my waste by over 60% with ease.
Ron Finley The Ron Finley Project | $ MasterClass $
I came across Ron Finley through his MasterClass, which is not a budget-friendly option. That is, unless you pool resources. I used the BOGO offer and split the cost of a MasterClass membership for one year. It’s especially worthwhile if you’re interested in more than one class, highlighting efficient advice in bite-sized 10-20 minute chunks of visual and auditory content. Each class also comes with a workbook.
His MasterClass bio provides concise but accurate insight into what to expect from Ron:
“When Ron Finley first grew a garden on a curbside dirt strip, he got cited—and then a warrant was issued for his arrest. He fought back, got the laws changed, and started a movement. Now the community activist and self-proclaimed ‘Gangster Gardener’ is teaching you how to grow your own food, keep your plants alive, and find beauty and freedom in gardening no matter the size of your space. Start planting a revolution.”
However, you don’t need MasterClass to access the genius of Ron Finley. A quick search on YouTube brings up many of his videos with sharp gardening insights and practical tips for even the newest of novices.
I started burying my food waste immediately—no need for fancy equipment to avoid smells and rodents or turn my compost. No need to excessively sort since attracting animals is no longer a concern if the food is buried deep enough. I have the privilege of having a yard; however, Ron provides insights that work for everyone.
Winter Sowing Facebook Group | Guide
As someone who likes to grow from seed (and keep things budget-friendly), winter sowing has changed my gardening life. Last year I had almost 100 seedlings in my apartment's living room. It was too much, especially with a cat. Even worse, I didn't harden off my plants to prepare them for outside appropriately, and I lost over half of my crop once they were in the ground. However, I had random vegetable plants growing in my garden from compost. Go figure!
This year, I am winter sowing, which entails planting seeds in DIY mini-greenhouses almost any time of year, and then letting the seeds sprout when they are ready. This accomplishes a few things:
Seeds that need cold stratification get what they need. Last year, my broccoli barely even sprouted. But this year, my broccoli seedlings are already coming in strong.
All of the seedlings are already "hardened off" by the time you put them in the ground or pots outside.
More room in my living room!
Winter sowing isn’t limited only to seeds that need the cold. You can plant anything outside in the mini-greenhouses, as seeds will sprout when the soil reaches the appropriate temperature for each plant. If you prep your greenhouses correctly, you will not need to water them either – not until you open them up for the season.
UJAMAA Seeds $ Website $
Seeds can be expensive. Ujamaa Seeds are reasonably priced, and they are a fundraising project of UCFA, committed to providing increased opportunities and support for growers from historically marginalized communities. As the fourth principle of Kwanzaa, “ujamaa” means 'cooperative economics.' The website has seed collections organized into Cultural Seed Gardens for those looking to grow gardens rooted in their own culture.
“Buy Nothing” & “Everything Is Free” Facebook Groups
“Buy Nothing” or “Everything Is Free” groups are hyperlocal, which means that they are specific to towns or sometimes neighborhoods. You can often join any community with which you have ties– living, working, or otherwise. People freely gift or lend items that they no longer want or currently do not use in these groups. Buy Nothing groups are designed so that you can “give (or receive) where you live,” and they tend to be very active. For example, if you’re in a community that isn’t walkable and you don’t have a car, some Buy Nothing group members will deliver or help coordinate pickups for items. I recently got a free chicken coop dropped off at my house.
Why is this relevant to gardening? Since I started cultivating my green thumb, I have picked up:
several kiddie pools to convert to raised beds
soil from a family that dug up parts of their yard for a pool
gardening and yard clean-up tools, including a chain saw and an electric mower that I used to create hay
straw mats to suppress weeds
a giant barrel with a spigot to collect rainwater
tons of buckets and planters of all sizes
wood for building trellises
watering cans
plants and seedlings that people couldn’t fit in their gardens (there are also other specific groups for this)
These items were free, and all of them stayed out of landfills through re- or up-cycling.
ChipDrop Website
Wood chips are helpful when gardening, even if you're using raised beds or pots. The chips keep weeds down and help the soil retain moisture, reducing the need to water by up to 50%.
ChipDrop matches people who want free wood chip mulch with companies trying to get rid of chips and uncut logs. By signing up and placing a request, ChipDrop will add you to a list of people in your neighborhood trying to get free wood chips. If you opt for uncut logs, ChipDrop will prioritize your request. However, there are a few catches:
9. For My Sexy Time…
Did you know that excellent communication is key to mind-blowing sex? Wild, right? Any communication game or exercise can help you understand how you and your partner(s) communicate and provide a way to practice. Here are some resources for exploring sexual interests and getting your chat on.
Dipsea App Store | Google Play | Website
If you’ve listened to any alternative content podcast in the past year, you’ve probably heard of Dipsea. Unfortunately, I listened to their ads for six months before finally deciding to check them out, and I shouldn’t have waited so long!
Dipsea is immersive audio erotica featuring paid contributors and voice actors. The platform was created by two women who wanted to hear stories designed to “open up space for you to explore your desires and fantasies on your terms.”
Some content is available for free; however, the full library requires a subscription. My partner Albany especially loves the search features, which allow you to use filters for Her + Him, Phone Sex, Moody, Her + Her, Her + Her + Her, Crush, Fantasy, First-person POV, Black Voices (and story lines), Threesomes, and much, much more. You probably get the idea. They have a LOT of options. Throw on some headphones or check out a few stories with some company to start exploring your own interests and maybe spark some sexy time in real-time.
Book: $ Chit Chat for All Occasions: Sex $
I picked up a copy of this book while visiting the Museum of Sex in New York over ten years ago. It’s a quick read and full of “quotes, facts, tips, and vocabulary that give you a road map for starting and maintaining scintillating conversations.”
Seriously, pick a topic, and this book gives you some cheeky guidance for steering any discussion toward sex. This isn’t about coercion, though. This also isn’t about sexualizing every conversation. Some trivia is quirky, some quotes are shocking, and most of the content is “matter of fact” about sex as a topic. If, like me, you are someone who finds security in knowing things, this book can help you build some quick confidence around discussing anything related to sex.
SlutBot Website
Full disclosure up front: I have not thoroughly read the privacy policy of this platform. However, after signing up, I did not experience an increase in phone spam or anything along those lines.
My partnerships tend to be long-distance. Not on purpose, but that’s how things have worked out. When we’re not in the middle of, or recovering from, a global pandemic, I do like to travel as often as possible. So it works out. However, that means that my relationships rely heavily on verbal communication. This includes flirtatious foreplay.
My partner, Orlando, shared SlutBot with me several months ago. It’s been inspirational to play around with. From the website:
“To achieve a healthy and pleasurable sex life, ongoing communication is critical. However, because sex is inherently private, it’s nearly impossible to find positive role models. Slutbot addresses this need by giving people the language and confidence to communicate their desires. We are changing the sexual culture by creating a world where consensual, pleasurable sex is accessible to everyone, without shame.”
The bot will message you a couple of times each week. Every exchange, the bot starts with a prompt that gives you some context. The last prompt I received:
“Put me in, Coach! Let’s do a sexy role play where you’re a pro athlete and I’m your naughty coach. Interested?”
This gives you an idea of what you’re signing up for. In this synopsis, after I replied “yes” the following prompt was:
“Okay, so let’s see. Do you want to be a basketball player, a hockey player or a soccer player?”
Choices! Speaking of choices (by the way, I chose “basketball”), the bot will often remind you of the gender you chose for yourself and the gender you chose to engage with last time and ask if you’d like to keep those selections or change them. Of course, the bot is far from perfect, but it’s fun to see where the exchange goes.
That's it! That’s all I’ve got to offer for now. I hope you’ve found something useful. If you want to chat more about any topic I wrote about, you can always email me.