How To Understand Relationship Compatibility As You Build Community
Research has shown that people tend to focus more on the negative as they try to make sense of the world. Regarding relationship compatibility, that means we are often looking for potential pitfalls or relationship red flags. However, building community and fully grasping our relationship compatibility is more than simply avoiding the bad stuff. We also need to identify and build upon the good stuff.
What Is Friendship Compatibility & Why Does It Matter?
Compatibility involves getting along with another harmoniously. Often, this entails a level of friendship, which we can define as a state of mutual trust and support. Friendship is a vital component for all types of relationships, including relationships with your community as well as relationships with romantic interests.
Once we reflect on ourselves, understand our own desires and values, and accept that we deserve a nurturing relationship based on mutual respect, we may shift to seeing certain behaviors (as well as relationships in general) as compatible or incompatible with our desires and values.
That said, keep in mind that compatibility isn't fixed– certain behaviors within relationships can improve or chip away at compatibility, as we'll discuss in more detail.
It is important to remember that not all relationship flags are red. Also, not all red (or yellow) flags are necessarily bad. Many widely accepted relationship advice assumes that everyone in a friendship or romantic relationship is neurotypical with a normative approach to handling interaction and emotional processing. This advice is wholly decontextualized with no attention to the need for accommodation or traumatic histories one might be bringing into a relationship. If you're interested in learning more about this, Justine L. published an article for P.S. I Love You detailing her first-hand experience understanding her own patterns within relationships based on her neurotype.
It is essential to understand what makes you feel coerced vs. free and threatened vs. safe within your relationships. Identifying what questions you can ask yourself and others to explore these feelings and identify where those feelings come from is critical.
Below, we briefly review everything from deal-breakers and warning signs to indications of compatibility, with a strong focus on relationship green flags. Though no level of compatibility should overshadow outright abusive or harmful behavior, seeking out relationship green flags rather than simply settling for an absence of red flags can help you foster abundance, compassion, and worthiness for yourself and within your relationships.
Relationship Red Flags
Relationship red flags are deal-breakers regarding compatibility or likelihood of building a healthy foundation within a friendship or romantic connection with someone else.
Do they…
Overshare personal details (about themselves or you) with little to no explanation?
Act overly critical toward you, others, or themselves?
Invalidate your feelings or experiences?
Make you feel judged, guilty, belittled, manipulated, isolated, pressured, fearful, etc?
Isolate you from others?
Use social pressure (from family, friends, or social "norms") to coerce your decisions?
Relationship Yellow Flags
Yellow flags are potential warning signs to pay attention to or dig into, which may potentially turn into red flags or, in some instances, green flags. But, in most cases, these are behaviors that aren't outright deal-breakers but make you second-guess your relationship compatibility.
Do they…
Act flaky or inconsistent?
Appear to lack a social support network?
Hesitate to express their opinions are things?
Exhibit "toxic positivity"?
Relationship Green Flags
"It is important in a healthy relationship for each person to have friends and interests so that they are not dependent on each other," psychologist Dr. Margaret Paul, a bestselling author and relationship expert, shared with Bustle. Relationship green flags are strong indications of compatibility and positive signs that the relationship is consensual, safe, and potential to grow.
It is not necessary (and very unlikely) to have all the relationship green flags present between you and one other person; however, it will behoove you to gauge if the green flags outnumber red and yellow flags in your dynamic. It's most important to note your own enthusiasm about green flags and establish your own boundaries, especially when giving someone the benefit of the doubt regarding red and yellow flags.
Do they…
Honor your boundaries?
Give you space?
Respect your individuality/differences?
Listen to you?
Understand their own relationship to compromise?
Admit mistakes?
Demonstrate vulnerability?
Welcome conversation AND silence?
Make you laugh?
Take an active interest in you?
Share responsibilities?
Comprehensive list of relationship green flags by Arts University Bournemouth.
How To Find Your Flags
Many exercises and games can help you and your partner(s), friends, coworkers, and family members identify essential core values and norms. We compiled a list of questions to use on a first or a friend date, as you're just getting to know someone and, likely before, you are heavily emotionally invested.
14+ Relationship Compatibility Questions To Ask Yourself & Others
Whether on a first date or a friend date…
Who do you look up to the most, and what qualities do you love about that person?
How do you address it when you feel disconnected from your partner (or friend)?
How do you feel about therapy?
When have you felt the most challenged?
What is the last lie you told?
Tell me about your experience with mask mandates (or vaccines, etc.) during COVID-19.
What are your views on your partner (or best friend) taking vacations with friends? Without you? What if they are mutual friends? What if they are not mutual friends?
Share your interests, food, hobbies, etc. Do they "yuck your yum" when you're sharing information about things that they do not personally enjoy?
On a related note, you can discuss an upcoming decision you'll have to make and see if they respond with support and curiosity or disgust and control.
How do you like to be comforted when you are upset?
Have you ever experienced a "friendship breakup," and what was that like?
What have you learned about yourself from a previous (or existing) relationship or friendship?
Is there anyone who would be upset to find out you are on this outing? Anyone who would be excited?
Note how they treat servers or anyone in a service role around you.
What are some unique questions that have helped you understand friendship and relationship compatibility with someone else?