How to Ghost Ghosting
The chemistry isn’t there. You’re better off friends. You got the “ick.” Whatever your reason, it’s time to call it quits. But in a dating landscape dominated by apps, texts, and talking phases, breaking things off is easier said than done. Enter: Ghosting, defined by the Urban Dictionary as cutting off all communication with your friends or the person you’re dating, with zero warning or notice beforehand. But not facing someone’s feelings doesn’t make them any less real. Read on for tips on how to end your trists with grace, care, and communication.
Say no to ghosting
The first step to ghosting ghosting… is to not ghost! The act of ghosting is physically, if not emotionally, easy. It literally means doing nothing. You have to actively choose not to ghost someone. We’re talking about ghosting here as it relates to dating. (No ghosting your long-term partners!!) It’s easier to treat people as disposable when you don’t know them well. Committing to communication, even when it’s tough, is a way to show kindness and care, even when that care means potentially disappointing someone else.
What are we?
Okay, so you’re not gonna ghost. Well then what comes next? There’s no single “right” way to call things off. Are you talking or going on dates? How long have you been seeing one another? Is your level of intimacy strictly casual or moving in a more serious direction? Telling someone you don’t want to go on a second date is different than calling things off with someone you’ve been seeing for a few months. Do a little defining-the-relationship for yourself before you decide how to end it.
What do I say?
The specifics here matter less than the fact that your communication is (1) kind, (2) appropriate, and (3) direct! Should you say “hey, it was nice to meet you but tbh I don’t like you?” Probably not! But “Hey, it was nice to meet you but I’m looking for something else right now” or “I’m not feeling a connection here, but it was nice to chat” might be worth a try. If you’re ending things because you’re busy or aren’t on the same page as someone, you can just be honest. It may not be appropriate to say everything that you feel, but it’s important that you mean what you say. (Pro tip: Saying “Let’s be friends” isn’t kind if you don’t mean it!) And again, keep in mind the nature of the relationship. If you’re turning down a date, keep it short and light. If you’re ending something that feels more serious, take the extra time to get it right.
How do I say it?
Text. Call. Tinder DM. Meeting in person. It’s not enough to know what to say, you have to know how you’re going to say it, too. But “not ghosting” isn’t synonymous with “meeting in person.” (Chances are the person you’re turning down after date #1 will not want to commute half an hour just for you to turn them down!) The important thing here isn’t the mode of communication, but rather that you’re communicating at all. When ending something less serious, a kindly worded message or a quick phone call will probably work just fine.
What’s next?
At the end of the day, you control how you feel and how you communicate those feelings. You cannot control how other people react to them. Be clear about your needs and boundaries, communicate them directly, and then let the other person choose how to express and process their own. Maybe you’ll be friends. Maybe you’ll never see each other again. Life is long and full of connections of all lengths and kinds. Endings aren’t bad. They’re just different. Take a deep breath, come back into your body, and carry on.