How To Get Through A Breakup
It happens to the best of us. Some relationships just don’t work out. Few things are more immediately emotionally devastating than a fresh heartbreak. You’ve seen the movies. You’ve heard the songs. You’ve peeled your best friend off the floor and into bed. But there’s nothing quite like being dumped to make you feel like the only person in human history who has felt so awful and the only person who ever will.
Is this true? Of course not! The aftermath of a break-up is hard and heavy and dramatic. It flouts all rules of logic and reason. If you are going through this right now, I am probably not the first person to say (1) that I am so sorry and (2) that though it may feel impossible, you will one day be okay. But I will say it again because as hard as it is to hear, we all know deep down that it’s true. So if you’re asking “How do I get over a breakup?” we have a path for you.
1. Take A Deep Breath
I mean this seriously. Take a deep breath in. Hold for 10 seconds. Let it out. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Repeat. When you feel yourself getting anxious or upset, close your eyes and take deep, slow breaths. Play music or a meditation video if it helps. Whatever you need to ground yourself when sensory overload sets in.
2. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
Now that breathing is out of the way, you also need to eat and sleep. It’s okay, expected, and perhaps even necessary to do some wallowing, but not at the cost of your health! If you don’t have the energy to cook, frozen food and takeout and loved ones or roommates who cook will be your best friends. Make it a priority to get to sleep early, however works best for you. You may not be able to control the post-break up blues, but best not to be hungry and tired, too.
3. Put! Down! The! Phone!
Do not text your ex. Do Not Text Your Ex! DO NOT TEXT YOUR EX! Do not call your ex. Do not contact your ex by carrier pigeon. Do not stalk your ex on Instagram. Twitter. LinkedIn (?) Wherever they are, you should not be. Throw your phone in a drawer, a closet, the ocean. Give it to a friend. Lock it in a safe. Even if things ended on okay terms, even if you’re going to stay friends, it’s good to take some time and space to process and heal. And if things ended on bad terms, all the more reason to cut the (phone) cord cold turkey.
Separating from a human with whom you were in constant contact, and who knew some of the most intimate parts of you may feel unnatural - and that’s because it is. Our brains aren’t wired to disconnect from something that felt safe, or at least consistent, so fast. Our brains seek out familiarity - even if what’s familiar doesn’t serve us, or even harms us. This means that the decision to cut off contact with your ex feels super difficult, but it is actually aiding your brain in rewiring what is familiar and what it needs to survive; the distance from this person will make your instinct to gravitate towards the past relationship weaker and weaker. And this leaves space for new connections and relationships to blossom!
4. Unless You’re Calling Your Friends**
There is no better cure for a break-up than a best friend. Your truest love. Your one and only. Relationships come and go, but friendship is forever, and a good friend is by your side every step of the way. When you feel yourself start to spiral, rally the troops. Think about how you would take care of your friends if the roles were reversed and accept that care for yourself. Connection is the most powerful healer we have - use this tool!
5. Find A Distraction
Like, for example, calling a friend! Or watching a movie or listening to a podcast or reading a book or going for a walk or taking a nap or baking a cake or knitting a sweater or going on a shopping spree or doing yoga or going for a drive or picking up a coffee or playing with your cat or calling your mom or or or or whatever will get your mind off your break up and onto something else, at least for a little while. Though you shouldn’t aim for distraction to be your only coping mechanism (we’ve gotta feel those feelings to move through them, after all), it is a super useful strategy for identifying where you find joy outside of your relationship, and just getting your mind off things so you can still function and enjoy your life in the midst of change- and loss-related distress.
5. Let It All Out
That’s right. Get out the tears. Feel all the feels. Pretending you’re not hurting just makes the hurt worse. Obviously our responsibilities don’t stop just because our relationship ends, but to the extent that you can take some personal time to sit, think, cry, vent, go through the five stages of grief. etc., please do! Time heals all wounds. It’s cliche, but it’s true.
6. Reflect On What You’ve Learned
Once you’ve gone through some of the steps above - and some of them multiple times - you may have the capacity to do some reflecting on your past relationship. Regardless of the quality or length of a relationship, you will always leave it having learned something important about yourself: what you want and/or need in a partner, how your past relational experiences show up in romantic relationships (what your triggers are, where you may play a role in communication breaking down, etc.), or what you want to look for or prioritize when seeking out a new romantic relationship. Though the relationship ending may feel like an overwhelming loss, look at all the amazing information you’ve gathered about yourself! The more insight you gain from navigating relationships, the closer you are to having clarity around what you want in a partner and how best to develop a true connection with that person (or people).
Here’s to making the most of the Heartbreak Hotel. May we all check out soon!