Photo by Ashley Kirsner at a Skip the Small Talk

The pandemic has changed the way we experience social situations. A particularly interesting and inconvenient social impact of the pandemic is that a lot of folks are reporting feeling more drained by social interaction than ever before. What gives? Is the pandemic turning extroverts into introverts and introverts into mega-introverts? Are we all just tired of interacting with other humans?

Not exactly. We can attribute a lot of this phenomenon to an unexpected culprit: masks.

While masking up was a lifesaving thing that was/is absolutely worth whatever social cost they’ve imparted to us, they are likely to be a huge contributing factor to why in-person socializing can feel so draining these days, even for folks who would normally otherwise feel energized by socializing. So while we should absolutely keep masking up (masks are saving lives, after all), there may be some reason to think about the social cost of wearing masks and how to address them without giving up the safety of masks. Here are a few reasons why.

Masks make it harder to hear and harder to speak. This may not seem like a big deal, but spending a little extra effort to parse out what another person is saying, and spending a little extra effort to make sure we’re talking loudly enough, contributes to our cognitive load. A cognitive load is basically the pile of things your brain is working on at any given time. And when that cognitive load gets to be too heavy, we can start feeling drained.

So if you’re spending some brain power trying to decipher what someone is saying through their mask, and/or if you’re spending some brain power trying to keep your voice consistently loud, you’re likely to feel a little more tired by the end of a social interaction.

What you can do about it: Try to take part in in-person interactions in short chunks of time. Five hours’ worth of the cognitive load that goes with speaking loudly and listening carefully can really do a number on you. But if you can cut it into chunks of shorter amounts of time, that can give your brain enough time to recover. That’s part of the reason a lot of guests at Skip the Small Talk tell us that this is one of the few social experiences they don’t find draining these days; we give you brief interactions with folks lasting no more than ten minutes at a time.

You can also try to set yourself up to make it easier to hear the other person and make it easier to be heard (this is why we use sound-isolating devices at our bigger Skip the Small Talks). So if you have the choice to meet someone at a loud bar vs. a quiet cafe, you might want to choose the latter when possible.
Masks make it harder to read facial expressions. With more limited access to facial expressions, you have less information to go on when you make the little decisions everyone makes in everyday conversation.

We make a million tiny decisions in any conversation, like deciding whether to ask a follow-up question to someone, or deciding whether to make a joke, or even deciding when it’s appropriate to excuse ourselves to leave. Whether you’re aware of it or not, your subconscious is hard at work assimilating as much information as it can to make those decisions.

But unfortunately, masks severely limit the amount of information you’re getting. So that means that every decision you make is going to be a little harder, and will take a little more mental energy. And as we know, that extra mental energy over time adds to cognitive load!

What you can do about it: Structuring your social interactions can help a lot! Even if you’re used to interacting with folks without much prompting, having some of the big decisions pre-made for you can help quite a bit. For example, you may want to think through some topics you might want to talk or ask about in advance. And you can even decide in advance what time you’d like to head out (and any other relevant logistics, like what you and the other person will do after dinner, etc.) so that you can save your mental energy for the smaller moment-to-moment decisions.

Another big tip here is having self-compassion, and reminding yourself to err on the side of assuming the best intentions of other people. When we don’t have much social information available, a lot of us will inaccurately assume the worst. That’s why we put such an emphasis on self-compassion and compassion for others at Skip the Small Talks. So, if you ever notice yourself making a judgment like, “Oh, that person hated this joke,” or, “Wow, they seem like they’re not paying attention to what I’m saying at all,” especially while they’re wearing a mask, give them and yourself the benefit of the doubt.
Masks can be physically uncomfortable. While this may also not seem like a big deal, humans are known for misattributing feelings of discomfort. So if you’re feeling physically uncomfortable when you go into a social interaction because your mask is a little too tight or a little too loose, you may actually attribute your discomfort to the social interaction. So some people who think that in-person social interaction is draining right now might inaccurately believe their discomfort is due to the social situation, when in reality, at least some percentage of that discomfort is actually coming from physical sensations.

To be clear, wearing a mask is unlikely to make a fabulous, life-changing conversation feel totally boring and awful. But it might make a pretty-good conversation feel like a “meh” conversation, and it might make a mildly bad conversation may feel like an awful one.

What you can do about it: One approach is that you can make your masks more comfortable— there are all sorts of knickknacks out there for making masks lighter on your ears without compromising fit, as well as making sure they stay on your face.

Another big help is being aware of any physical discomfort you are experiencing and thinking to yourself, “I’m physically uncomfortable and that might impact how this conversation feels to me.” Ironically, just being more aware of unpleasant feelings can help you feel better! (And yes, that’s a big reason we focus so much on mindfulness at our events!)

Masks have made socializing during the pandemic even more confusing and complicated than usual. So whether you follow these tips or not, please go easy on yourselves. It’s a confusing time to be interacting with humans right now and everyone’s figuring it out together. A lot of people are having a rough time socially, so if you are, too, please just know that you’re not the only one.

Why is socializing so draining right now?