5 Ways to Get to Know Yourself Better
Feeling secure in your identity - meaning who you are, what you believe in, what you like, what you hope for, etc. - can be such a powerful catalyst in your life. It can help guide you in decision-making and goal-setting; it can help you better discern who you want to choose as friends or spend time around; and it can simply give you more clarity as you navigate this crazy thing called life. But figuring out what that identity is and who you uniquely are is SO HARD. We have so many different influencers coming at us from all angles: messages we got growing up from family members, the institutions like school and religion that we are a part of, our social networks, and actual influencers on social media. With so many messages about who we should be, what we should believe in, and what we should hope for, it can feel impossible to parse out what’s actually us and what’s been formulated by societal pressures or norms.
Finding more security in your identity is a long - sometimes lifelong - process, but it is definitely feasible! There are some strategies you can try to start to answer those big questions about who you are.
Determine Your Questions
While you may have some questions about yourself, there may be a lot that you do already know! Take stock of what you feel pretty secure in - are there particular interests you have, or a cultural identity that is important to you, for example? After you’ve done that, hone in on the questions you still have. This way you can have a better idea of what actions you can take to answer them.
Some questions you may choose are:
What do I actually like to do when I’m not in school or at work?
What do I find interesting or enjoyable to learn about?
What types of social interactions do I truly enjoy?
What qualities in others do I enjoy being around?
When, where, and doing what do I feel most at ease or “like myself”?
What are my motivations for the decisions I make?
What qualities or characteristics do I have? Which of these are uniquely me?
What are my values?
2. Read, Watch, Listen, Observe
Ease yourself into this process by taking some time to read, watch, or listen to something. It could be a new book, an episode of a podcast you like, or a TV show. Instead of passively consuming these things like so many of us normally do, try to mindfully watch/listen/read. Take note of moments that made you smile, characters you’re drawn to, lines of dialogue or ideas that made you think more deeply, or even the outfits or interior decoration of a room in a TV show that you like! This may seem like a frivolous activity, but by doing this you are actually practicing forming a perspective. Thinking consciously about what draws you in or puts you off in given settings may point to concrete characteristics about yourself or interests that you simply never put into words before.
3. Try New Things
You were probably expecting this one, and we’re sorry we’re not less predictable - but trying new things really is so important in learning about yourself! If it feels like you get panicked and stuck every time someone asks you “so what do you like to do?” you are definitely not alone. A huge cause for this common experience is that our busy lives (ahem, and capitalism) makes it near impossible to have those things we perhaps used to as kids; you guessed it: hobbies. To get back in touch with engaging in activities you actually enjoy, you’ve gotta try some new ones! You can do this by signing up for an art class, checking out a new type of venue or show, or even playing a silly game with friends. Anything that will get you out of your normal routine will surely give you more insight into the things you like, what interests you, and how you value spending your time!
4. Channel Your Inner Child
While exposing yourself to new things and ideas is undoubtedly valuable, it’s equally valuable to travel backwards in time and gain some insight that only you as a child could have. Kids so often have super strong senses of identity (though we tell them they dont’): they have very visceral reactions to events in their life, they know exactly what toys they want to play with and which ones they’d rather throw at the wall, and they laugh at what jokes they find funny and turn away from ones they don’t. There’s an honesty and authenticity that we tend to lose as we grow older and all of the outside influences start to impact us more. So, when trying to strengthen your sense of self, it can be incredibly helpful to recall what you were like as a kid. What activities did you enjoy as a kid? Did you love to sing, but stopped because you started feeling self-conscious about your level of talent? What were our friends like? Were they silly and outgoing, or did you feel more comfortable with kids who were calmer or who really liked to spend time outdoors? Remembering what you valued or what characteristics were present in your personality may point to some parts of your identity you’ve forgotten or pushed away because of societal norms. Once you’ve identified what those are, you can start to see if they are still a part of you and explore how to engage with them more in your life today!
5. Practice Mindfulness & Reflection
So much of your identity, personality, and point of view are already there - it’s just a matter of being able to observe and acknowledge them! Developing a mindful practice of some sort is a powerful exercise that can help you be more present in your day-to-day activities and interactions, and may give you a better ability to observe your feelings and reactions to what you’re doing. In other words, what parts of this interaction lights my brain up? Am I laughing at this joke because it’s really funny and that was my body’s reaction, or is this kind of a fake laugh? These are things we actually tend not to think about or notice, but can be so helpful in figuring ourselves out.
Reflection is an equally powerful tool, and one that very much contributes to your ability to be mindful. Try starting a reflection practice like journaling once or twice a week (or every day if you're up for it!). When engaging in reflection on your day or week, try your best to focus on sensations you experienced in your body, emotions that arose, questions that came up, etc. in your experiences rather than just writing out what you did and who you talked to. This will help you better identify characteristics about yourself or that you enjoy in others or experiences, and will help you develop further questions you have about yourself.