You finish a project. You turn in a paper. You interview for a job. You go on a date. “I did it!” you say to yourself. “I think that went well?” Then you hear back from your supervisor, your professor, your potential employer, or your date. Turns out, you have not done nearly as well as you thought you did. You might be asking yourself, “What did I do wrong?” You might feel upset, embarrassed, or even betrayed. Feedback is, after all, criticism of something that we’ve said or done. But just because something is hard to hear doesn’t mean we don’t need to hear it. Feedback is a powerful tool for reflection and self-improvement. Can you take the heat? 

Step 1: Listen 

The first step in learning from feedback is accepting feedback in the first place. So get those fingers out of your ears, stop saying “la la la,” and listen — really listen — to what the person speaking to you is taking the time to say. Have you ever tried to tell something to someone that you know they may not want to hear? It’s not easy! The act of giving feedback is just as vulnerable as the act of receiving it. Accept that if someone is taking the time to give you feedback, it’s because they care about your growth. At the very minimum, for any number of reasons, they think you have something to gain by hearing what they have to say. You can’t learn from what you don’t hear. So open the door and let that feedback in. 

Step 2: Ask Questions 

If something in the feedback you are receiving is unclear to you, ask ask ask! Listening to feedback and understanding feedback are two different things. Imagine you’re giving a presentation at work only for your boss to tell you, later, that your ideas were unclear. You think about what you said, but nothing you said stands out to you as confusing or unclear. This is a great opportunity to ask for clarity from the person who is giving you this feedback. “I’m having trouble thinking of which ideas were unclear. Could you help me by naming a few?” This is just one question you might ask to figure out why something you said didn’t land with your audience. If someone is giving you feedback, the chances are they’re willing to answer your questions. Don’t be afraid to ask.

Step 3: Reflect

You’ve listened. You’ve clarified. What do you do next? Now that you have received feedback and done the work to understand what that feedback is, it’s time to reflect. What behaviors or statements on your part prompted this feedback? What were the consequences of those actions? Do you feel like the feedback you received is accurate? Why or why not? (If you’re really thrown by a piece of feedback, you can also ask for a second opinion from someone else who knows you, or your situation, well!) The questions you ask yourself when reflecting will be different depending on the stakes. For example, feedback from a friend or romantic partner about your relationship habits might feel more intense than feedback from a professor on how to strengthen your analytical writing. External feedback gives you a valuable look at the things that you, alone, cannot see about yourself. No matter the context, you have do the internal work of processing that feedback in order to better understand how you operate in the world.

Step 4: Learn

Much like listening to feedback isn’t the same as understanding feedback, understanding feedback isn’t the same as learning from feedback and putting that learning into practice. In other words, the important thing isn’t what you did wrong. What’s important is what you do next. How can you make that feedback actionable? What might the feedback you’ve been given prompt you to do in the future that you weren’t doing before? Imagine your friend tells you they feel like you’re not making enough time for them, and upon further discussion and reflection you see that this is true. Are you going to continue behaving how you did before they told you this? No! You’ll think of ways to be more present in their life. You might make more time to call or text or make plans to spend time together. Your relationship will be stronger for it.

In short, feedback is a vital and necessary part of personal growth. In order to improve ourselves, our work, and our personal relationships, we have to identify places where we can do better. Feedback can help us do this. Next time you’re approached with constructive criticism, welcome the heat! We all have something to learn from feedback, if only we’re willing to try.