How to be charming

I’ve seen a lot of content about how to be charming, and a lot of it is based in fooling people or creating power dynamics where others feel like they’re below you in some way. That may “work” in the short term (for various definitions of “work”), but I think that at best, they lead to unsatisfying interactions for all people involved. And at worst, those strategies for being charming can lead to abusive dynamics.

So what can you do instead? Here are some tips for being charming in a way that’ll actually feel good for both you and the people you’re talking to.

1. Be the first to get vulnerable. Most social interactions where you’re just getting to know someone are basically like a game of chicken: you’re both waiting for the other person to be the first to go a little bit deeper or be a little bit vulnerable. If you want to be irresistible to talk to, you can be the first to go a little deeper.
   
   It definitely takes some practice to find the right balance of how vulnerable to be without scaring anyone off, so try taking baby steps. If someone asks you where you’re from, you can ask them the same question and add, “What was it like living there?” If you’re talking about career stuff, you can ask, “What do you like about your job?”
   
   And if you’re the one being asked simple factual questions, you can add a little vulnerability by mentioning how you felt about whatever they’re asking about, even if they didn’t directly ask. So if someone asks you what you do with your time, you can talk about your job and the ridiculous office pranks that you have to stay on your toes for. If someone asks you where you’re from, you can talk about your hometown and why you’re glad you got to escape it (or why you loved it).
   
   So go ahead and add a little vulnerability to whatever you’re talking about whenever possible.
   
   

2. Be an active listener. I know a lot of people who are outstanding listeners but don’t show that they’re outstanding listeners. They’ll remember almost everything you say, they’ll make clever connections between what you’re saying and novel ideas, and every so often, you’ll have a moment where you think, “Whoa, they really were listening to me!” But in the moment, while you’re talking, there’s no evidence that they’re listening. No head nods, no confirmation that they heard you, no follow-up questions.
   
   I want to be clear: the above way of listening is great! You can absolutely have many satisfying close relationships if you listen to folks and don’t go out of your way to demonstrate that you’re listening. But if you’re meeting someone new, it may be helpful to keep in mind that a lot of people (perhaps most people) have a hard time opening up without getting in-the-moment feedback that they’re being listened to.
   
   So if you’re interested, you can learn some specific techniques for active listening here. While those tips are intended for supporting people going through a difficult time, they can also make a huge difference in showing that you’re listening about anything.
   
   People find few things as charming as an active listener, so if you want to be the life of the party, it’s a good idea to brush up on those active listening skills.
   
   

3. Be positive. Okay, okay, listen. I am very opposed to toxic positivity and painting everything in your life as perfect when it’s not. But human brains have a tendency to focus on negative things— it’s called the negativity bias. So we can almost always benefit from an additional little nudge in the direction to think more positively. And since our brains get hung up thinking about negative things, putting in a little extra work to focus on the positive things in your life can actually help you see the world with a little more accurate of a perspective.
   
   So, you’re totally welcome to also share the negative or difficult parts of your life— it just might help to put those negative parts into a more positive, and therefore more accurate, perspective. For example, you could say, “I’m feeling kind of frantic and disheartened because I just lost my job, but I know that I’ll find something eventually." Or, “I’ve been doing the ‘eating Ben & Jerry’s and binge-watching The Bachelor’ thing because I’m going through a break-up, but I’ve been lucky to have a lot of support from friends in the meantime.”
   
   

4. Show interest. I’ve seen a lot of content out there suggesting that you should withhold attention from the people you like in order to pique their interest. Unfortunately, that’s not a great way to begin healthy relationships (of any kind— romantic or otherwise), and it establishes some dynamics that are likely to make for exhausting, painful, and unsatisfying future interactions with this person.
   
   So if you’re looking for a healthier way to get people interested that sets the stage for healthier potential future interactions with someone, you can show earnest interest in them. It’s as simple as saying something like, “I had a lot of fun talking to you tonight!” Or, “You’re a great storyteller!” Or, “If you’re interested, I’d love to hang out some time— feel free to find me on Facebook if you ever want to talk more!”
   
   A quick rule of thumb for what’s fair game to compliment if you’re going that route: Don’t compliment anything that someone didn’t choose. For instance, when you’re first getting to know someone, don’t compliment their eyes; that person had no say in what color their eyes are (assuming they’re not wearing colored contacts) and it doesn’t really say anything meaningful about them. A more meaningful compliment would be complimenting their glasses. It’s much likelier that the person had a choice in that. And even more meaningful would be saying that you appreciate that person’s way of seeing the world, especially if you have a specific example that you can point to. The more specific you get in your compliment, and the more directly it relates to your interaction with that person, the more likely it is to have a positive impact.
   
   

These are some pretty fool-proof ways to be enjoyable to talk to, but you may find that they don’t work perfectly. If you’re trying these and they’re not working as well as you’d like, I’d recommend looking into your relationship with social awkwardness, because sometimes that can get in the way of having better conversations.

And of course, like any new skill, this will be a learning process that doesn’t happen instantly. So offer yourself some self-compassion as you make mistakes and learn. Because as we say at every Skip the Small Talk, it’s not going to go perfectly, and it doesn’t need to go perfectly to still be pretty darn good.