Am I The Problem?
Oops... you did it again! You’ve found yourself in a difficult situation that you’ve been in many times before! You’re struggling at work. You’re fighting with a friend/partner/family member. Your dating life is a mess. Your mental health? Even messier. Whatever it is that you’re going through, things are not going your way. You can’t help it. You throw up your hands and you turn to the sky and you say: Why does this keep happening to me?
The short answer: I don’t know! There are things in life we can control and there are things in life that we can’t. You might have a bad boss or an inconsiderate friend or a complicated family dynamic. Bad days and breakups and arguments aren’t fun, but they’re normal. But if you find yourself experiencing the same tension or having the same fight over and over again, it might be time to dig deeper into your own behavior. It might be time to ask yourself: Am I the problem?
It’s natural. None of us are in the right all the time, and conflict is rarely one-sided. It’s easier to blame others for our problems than it is to accept responsibility for them ourselves. Let’s say, for example, you get in a fight with a friend. They say you’re not making enough time for them and that you haven’t been listening to them when they talk. Your initial reaction might be to argue. After all, you have no idea what they’re talking about. You’ve been a bit busier lately, but you think you spend plenty of time together! And of course you listen to them. How could you not?
But the more you think about the argument, the more it rings a bell. You’ve had this argument before, with a loved one, a partner, another friend. You’re independent by nature. Maybe you’re not the most responsive via text and when you’re tired, you’re liable to cancel plans. And it’s possible, in the past, that you’ve zoned out just a little bit in conversation. But you didn’t mean to! On the flip side, you don’t have as much free time as you did in the past and you’ve been more tired than usual, making hanging out more difficult.
What it boils down to is identifying pattern behavior in your relationships, i.e. the recurring way that you communicate with and treat others, and figuring out what is and isn’t working. This goes hand in hand with everyone’s favorite activity, which is: Admitting you were wrong. (See also: Apologizing!) In the situation outlined above, once you’ve taken the time to reflect, you might go back to your friend and apologize for not making time for them. You might ask them what you can do better, and in turn share with them how you’ve been feeling and how that’s affected the way you share your time and attention. Ideally, by communicating your needs, you can find a way forward that works for both of you.
At the end of the day, we’re all human. We all make mistakes. But the more we reflect, communicate, and take care of others and ourselves, the stronger our relationships will be in the long run. If you find that you are, in one situation or another, the problem, don’t forget that you can be the solution, too.