There are a lot of ways to be a good ally. One of the crucial steps in the process is to learn and listen to someone from a marginalized group, educating yourself about their experiences in the process. But how do you know which questions are okay to ask, and which to avoid? There are many questions that can come off as rude or invasive, and as an aspiring ally, you probably want to make people with marginalized identities feel as comfortable as possible. 

One common problem that folks in the trans community face is that well-meaning people are often afraid to ask us questions about ourselves. There’s a well-known stereotype that trans people will get super angry or offended if you ask them anything about their gender or being trans. Think back to the last time you interacted with someone you knew to be trans, but who you didn’t know the gender of. Were you afraid or hesitant to ask them their pronouns, in fear of receiving a negative reaction? If your answer is yes, you’re not alone. The stereotype of the highly-sensitive and reactive trans person is a hurtful and widespread belief, but one that, from my experience, just isn’t true. 

In saying this, though, it’s important to remember that like any minority group, the members of the trans community aren’t just here to answer questions about being trans for cis people. Before asking a question, make sure the person is up for answering it. If they’ve talked to you about trans experiences in the past, it’s a good sign they’ll want to talk to you now. If not, be sure to ask them if questioning them is okay before initiating a conversation that could be stressful or difficult. Timing is also key. If you know they’ve been going through an unrelated adverse experience in their life, it may be a good idea to hold off the questions for now. This goes for anyone you talk to as an ally, of course! Online research beforehand is also a great way to inform and direct your question-asking.

Above all, remember that most of the time, people are very receptive and open to talking about their experiences. As a trans person, I’m usually up for talking about my identity because honestly, I’m just happy you asked instead of staying quiet and feeling awkward or nervous around me. The trans community can be a very open and welcoming place to be, and that includes allies. So without further ado, here are some questions to ask, and not to ask, those in the trans community.

Questions NOT To Ask

What’s your real name/what’s your birth name?

First of all, a trans person’s real name is the one they’ve chosen for themselves. Think about if you were to choose your own first name yourself—this would be a name that’s very important to you, would it not? In the trans community, birth names are often referred to as “deadnames”, names that are no longer in use in your life, and therefore “dead”. Culturally, it’s considered rude to ask for/bring up these names because for a lot of trans people, mentioning them brings a lot of pain with it. This pain, often connected to gender dysphoria, which we’ll talk about in the next point, is very unpleasant, hence why most deadnames are attempted to be kept as well-guarded secrets if possible. Asking for one out of the blue is rude because to the person you’re asking, it seems like you’re disregarding their current name. Even worse, it sounds like there’s a possibility you’re asking so you can switch to using the person’s deadname in the future. Regardless of your intention, it’s a question best kept to yourself.

Can I see photos of you before you transitioned?

No, and I don’t want to see them either! This common question is one that induces a lot of gender dysphoria for me and for many others in the trans community. Gender dysphoria can be defined as a “lived experience in which a person’s assigned gender does not align with their experienced gender”. What this means (in this case) is that some people can feel a disconnect between their current self and pre-transition self. So, looking at old pictures can cause distress, pain, or even just a weird kind of mental disassociation, as this old self is a state of being we’ve been transitioning away from. 

Now, not all trans people experience gender dysphoria—you don’t have to have dysphoria to be trans. And some trans people are okay with looking at old pictures of themselves. But for most of the trans community, it’s a rude question that seems like it’s trying to discount the people we’ve become today, even if you are just asking out of curiosity.

What surgeries have you had? Are you on hormones?

Any questions about genitals or hormones are medical questions, and therefore questions that only a medical professional should be asking. Imagine if someone asked you point-blank to describe your genitals to them. It’s invasive, and would come off as very creepy to you that they even asked. And yes, this goes for asking about hormones as well as surgical transition procedures. Both are acts of medical transition, and are therefore private.

How do you have sex?

The answer to this question is easy: like anyone else does! This question has similar problems to the one above in which you’re also inquiring directly about the person’s genitals, and now, even worse, sex life. This information is private, and something that’s between the trans person and the people who are actually having sex with them. 

Are you biologically male or female?

This question is another that’s a private one, especially for nonbinary people, those who don’t solely identity with just being male or female.  Asking this is considered rude in a similar vein to asking for someone’s deadname: it’s discounting the identity they’re presenting as, bypassing in favor of an absolute “one or the other” biological sex. Basically, by asking this question, the trans person you’re talking to might think that you’re going to now see them solely as the gender they were born as, and not the one they actually experience. Even if this is not your intention, this question is not okay to ask just for the sake of curiosity. 

Are you sure you’re not just gay/confused/going through a phase?

This question invalidates identity, suggesting that the trans person is just confused, and that their current gender identity is temporary. This is an intrusive question to ask because it suggests that the person’s identity is not real, and is just something made up for reasons like attention or something similar. Also, as I’ll get into later, being transgender and being gay are seperate from one another, as gender identity and sexuality are seperate. 

Questions TO Ask:

What are your pronouns/what pronouns do you use?

I always appreciate it when someone actually takes the time to ask me my pronouns, or introduces themselves with theirs. It normalizes including preferred pronouns in conversation, which is helpful to people in the trans community because it means we don’t have to insert them awkwardly into conversation later. It also establishes to me that you care about gendering me correctly, which is important as well as polite.

How would you describe your gender identity?

This is in a similar vein to asking about pronouns. Caring about how I identify means that you care about getting to know me as a person, which can mean a lot! 

How/when did you first know you were trans?

Sometimes trans people don’t especially want to talk about this one, but I think it’s a valid question to ask nonetheless. If you’re already having a conversation about the person’s transness, this question can be a great way to get to know someone. Alternatively, this is a great question to ask if you, yourself are questioning your own gender, or just want to learn more about what it’s like to question gender identity. I personally would welcome this question, but definitely note that while this is for the most part a perfectly fine question to ask, some people might prefer not to answer it.

Can you be trans and gay? Is being trans a sexuality?

Like I previously mentioned, being trans is not a sexuality, and you can in fact be trans and have a myriad of different possible sexualities, just as cis people do. This question is fine to ask because it clarifies a common misconception, and helps to educate in the process. 

Do you identify as nonbinary?

Lots of trans people identify as nonbinary in some way, sometimes unexpectedly. For example, someone could mainly identify as a trans woman, but simultaneously feel like neither a man or a woman. These experiences are complex, and can often be difficult to understand, which is why talking about them is a great way to learn more about nonbinary identities. Every nonbinary person is different, and experiences their genderqueer-ness in different ways. 

As a disclaimer, I want to say that these are all questions that I personally think are good/not good to ask the trans community. Different people will always have different levels of comfort with various questions. But the important thing is to start these dialogues, and to not be afraid to reach out to a trans person just because they’re trans. 

Questions are the foundation of connection, and it’s through open dialogue that trans and cis people can truly begin to understand each other.