If social interaction was easy all the time, we wouldn’t be human! Connecting with people, especially if you haven’t met before, can be overwhelming. You’ve got social, verbal, and nonverbal cues flying at you from every direction. You’re trying to talk while also thinking and listening, and the context of your conversation isn’t always clear. Are you flirting or are you making a friend? Does the situation call for small talk or deep talk? What’s the setting, place, time, atmosphere? How does the other person feel? When there’s a disconnect between what two people want out of an interaction, there is one descriptor that rises above the rest: Creepy.

Understanding what feels creepy and why is, then, both protective and prescriptive. 

But what exactly is “Creepy”? It’s a loaded word. It might inspire in you feelings of fear, anxiety, or guilt. This conversation might not be for you, even if just in this moment, and that’s okay! “Creepy” is extremely common, but rarely provoked, and encapsulates a spectrum of wide-ranging emotions. Being creeped out can mean feeling scared, awkward, unsettled, threatened, or unpleasant in a social situation. It’s a gut feeling — sometimes you know what’s causing it, sometimes you don’t. And while we often talk about people or experiences that feel creepy, it’s less common that we examine the specific behaviors that make us feel this way and how to better address them in our communities writ large. Understanding what feels creepy and why is, then, both protective and prescriptive. It can help you recognize when someone is communicating with you in an inappropriate way and help you understand how your actions may have impacted others in the past. Let’s hash it out. 

In the section “What is Creepy”? In the book Girl Sex 101, Allison Moon defines “Creepy” as several different things: “Creepy is being attached to an outcome… Being attached to an outcome means that you want to have ultimate control of someone else’s experience.” She goes on to identify creepy behavior as (1) not taking no for an answer (2) approaching others with ulterior motives (3) picking on people or condescending to establish authority (4) feeling like your own emotions or insecurities entitle you to a certain response and blaming the other person for reacting adversely. What this all boils down to is outcome-oriented behavior, or behavior that’s rooted in an individual desired outcome. We most commonly associate this feeling with romantic interactions, but it can also apply to unwanted attempts at forcing friendship or selling a person on a product or idea. Put simply: Creepy is crossing a boundary. 

Now that you’ve got an idea of what is creepy in the abstract, let’s talk through what specific behaviors might cause another person to feel uncomfortable. The big one, of course, is unwanted romantic or sexual attention. There’s a big difference between lighthearted flirting and more intense advances, some of which constitute harassment. If the sole motivation behind your conversation with, or treatment of, another person is to sleep with or date them, you’re not actually communicating. The same goes even if you’re already on a date with someone. Shifting gears to seeking friendship, crossing a boundary might look like oversharing intense, personal information without consent or persistently asking a person to hang out after consistent refusals. Part of the reason that it feels so unsettling to be on the receiving end of this behavior is that you’re being treated not as a person, but as a means to a specific end. Your sole value is in your willingness to fulfill one person’s needs. Such treatment is indicative of a failure, intentional or not, to respect another person’s autonomy. 

Of course the vast majority of people don’t wake up in the morning and think “today I’m going to be creepy.” People don’t come with instruction manuals. So how can we avoid being behaving in a way that is perceived as creepy? The answer might seem obvious, but it’s not nearly as simple as it looks: Communicate. Communicate. Communicate! Direct communication can be nerve-wracking, but it is the only way to know for certain what another person is thinking and feeling. If you’re looking for a date or a physical connection, be up front about that. If you want to be friends with someone, say so. Consider the common thread in the scenarios outlined above: the other person is not being given a chance to respond. So much of this tension and discomfort can be avoided when both parties in an interaction are being honest about and respectful of each other’s needs. The worst they can say is no! 

There you have it: the “what”, “why”, and “how” of creepy. Ask questions. Listen to others. Soldier on in your social interactions with kindness and confidence and you’ll be just fine!