One of the more stressful social interactions one can have is deciding on where to go to dinner. This may be kind of a controversial statement without any context (haven’t you heard of [insert other funny stressful social interaction]?) But hear me out: the first thing one might look for in a restaurant is how many dollar signs are next to its name. And for others, they may be looking for the best craft cocktails and fried calamari they can find.

Either way, it can be incredibly confusing and stressful to navigate talking about the very real factor of finances when it comes to friendships and social plans. In a culture where talking about money is stigmatized, this is often the last thing we want to bring up in an otherwise fun, positive, and supportive friendship. But there comes a time when we need to bring it up - so let’s dive into why that is, and how we might approach these conversations in an open, non-judgmental, and productive way to foster deeper connection in your friendships.

But Why Do We Need To Talk About Money?

Like so many, you may believe that there’s never a good enough reason to bring up a topic of conversation as uncomfortable as money. There are so many reasons and situations, however, in which it would immensely benefit your relationship to bring the dreaded topic up in a productive way. Let’s dive into points at which you may want, or need, to discuss finances:

1. Making plans: deciding where to eat and what activities to do when planning time with friends, planning trips, planning big life events like weddings and accompanying events, holidays, birthdays, etc.

2. Talking about career and family goals: these conversations tend to highlight potentially different values when it comes to income and finances. People take different paths when it comes to career, schooling, life/family planning, often stemming from a difference in upbringing around money. Environments like school and other groups where the day-to-day may look similar for all can be somewhat of an equalizer when it comes to finance (or not - that’s a topic for a whole other article) - but financial situations can become even more diverse after you leave home and start building lives outside of your nuclear families.

3. When it seems like all you talk about is money: though there is a lot of stigma around talking about money, sometimes career, purchases, loans, and more can overcome conversations. It’s hard to navigate feelings of shame, comparison, and anxiety when this happens. This may be a good opportunity to initiate a conversation about finances with your friend to find a more manageable balance in how it shows up in your relationship.

4. Building a deeper connection: talking about finances in friendships can be an impactful way to shed light on needs, limitations, goals, and values that your friend and you hold. These conversations can help forge greater understanding between friends, and therefore a deeper, more meaningful, and trusting relationship.

Ways To Talk About Money With Friends

Now that we see the many situations in which talking about money can in fact be incredibly useful, let’s dive into ways we can broach this tricky topic without causing harm or a rift in our friendships, but rather to forge deeper connection and understanding.

1. Acknowledge The Differences In Prioritization And Value Of Money 

You may find that you have very different mindsets when it comes to money, stemming from different upbringings, identities, and experiences. I.e. if you or a friend grew up in an environment where money was scarce, they may be more motivated to be financially stable and therefore pursue a more lucrative career like finance or technology.

On the other hand, if someone grew up with a good amount of financial stability, they may have more room for exploration in less lucrative fields like the arts or social justice work. It’s important to acknowledge that both approaches (and anything in between) is totally valid, but that you do have different orientations to finances that may set you on different paths - and that’s ok! Acknowledging this can promote greater understanding of who you and your friend are, where you come from, and where your values may diverge.

2. Discuss How You Want (Or Need) To Spend Your Money In And Outside The Friendship

• This can be really tricky. As folks progress in their life and chosen career path, any given financial situation will change, and folks will start to spend money accordingly. And that can lead to challenges and/or tension in a friendship.

• This can play out in many different ways, but one example may look like: your friend has started making more money, and has started gravitating more towards expensive activities when making plans (like going to a restaurant with three money signs as opposed to your usual one). 

• If you start to notice this pattern or one like it and it’s causing strain in your relationship (whether that strain is one-sided or two), you might consider having a conversation to get on the same page:

  • Start by stating that you’re proud of your friend and all they’ve accomplished!

  • Be honest about where you are at: whether your income is not where it has to be to do these activities, you’re prioritizing paying off loans, you’re saving up for something important to you, you have to help family out financially, etc. Don’t feel like you have to give any nitty gritty details or numbers when it comes to finances - this information is yours to share or not - but it is helpful to give some sort of picture so your friend has the opportunity to meet you where you’re at.

  • Express that this friendship is really important to you, and you want to prioritize spending time together - but ask if there are ways you can do that that meet your needs and limitations. You could suggest:

    • Cooking a meal together at one of your homes

    • Movie night

    • Picnic at a park - you’ll bring the snacks!

    • Researching free or cheap activities to do in your area (hint: there are a ton of email newsletters, sites, instagram accounts, etc. that are dedicated to doing fun activities on a budget in any given location - Google is your friend here!)

Hopefully by being honest, respectful, and open with your friend, they are able to see where you’re coming from and how you can move forward in your relationship in a way that doesn’t put any added financial stress on you or them. 

If you’re on the other side of the coin, however - e.g. you have started to make more money and are unsure of where a friend is at, or you sense a bit of hesitation or discomfort when making plans or discussing money  - consider initiating a conversation to, again, get on the same page. Here’s how you might approach the conversation:

• Start by saying that you’re not sure if they know or not, but your financial situation has changed a bit (whether you got a promotion, paid off your loans, started a side hustle, etc.). Acknowledge that you’ve expressed more interest in, or have proposed plans, trips, and activities that have skewed on the more expensive side.

• Check in with your friend about their comfort, ability, or interest in this shift in activities or friendship. Try to initiate an open conversation about this - as we all know, talking about finances is stigmatized and there is a major shame culture around having less in our country/society. Perhaps ask: “I just want to check in with you because I know things have changed a bit. I care about you and our friendship and want to make sure that you feel comfortable when we’re spending time together.”

• Confirm that you want to spend time with them, regardless of the money involved. Make sure they know that you’re open to doing activities that don’t require a hit to the wallet. 

• You may be in a position where you want to treat your friends from time to time - aka, pick up the bill when you go get coffee or lunch. That is super generous and a great way to express your care for your friend, but different people have different comfort levels with being paid for. This conversation may be a good time to ask explicitly if your friend would be comfortable with you picking up the bill from time to time. Express that if you were to do this, it’s because this is a way you like to express love and care - not because you feel that they can’t pay for themselves - but you totally understand if they’re not comfortable with it. Listen to what they say and be open to talking it through. Most importantly, respect and honor their decision moving forward.

3. Be Open To Deeper Conversation About Experiences, Identities, And Goals Re: Money

This may be something that’s been on your friend’s mind that they’d like to unpack with you. Class, race, and gender differences in friendships often cause unspoken tension or resentment - so be open to this conversation as an opportunity to dive deeper, if your friend is up for it.

Keep The Conversation Going - But Don’t Let It Overtake Your Friendship

After you’ve broached the subject of money with your friend, it’s important to set a precedent of open dialogue when it comes to comfort and limitations around money in your friendship. Reassure each other that you’re always open to discussing this topic, especially as life progresses and orientation to money changes and evolves. Commit to leaning into the discomfort together! 

Once you’ve started to normalize finances as a topic of discussion, it’s possible it will feel like the floodgates have opened and now money is being brought up time after time after time. As important as it is for the topic to be on the table, try your best to find a balance that allows for open communication but doesn’t let money become a dominant force in your relationship. 

Have you had conversations with a friend about money? What was challenging about it? Did it help foster deeper connection at all?