We’re entering spring, which means longer days, brighter skies, flowers (along with pollen, thumbs down), and maybe coming out of the winter hibernation to spend more time with loved ones. The beginning of spring also means that we are nearing Mother’s and Father’s Days, and familial (defined broadly to include chosen family here and throughout the rest of this blogpost) or other close relationships might be close to mind. 

As we approach the third year of the pandemic, this Mother’s/Father’s Day season may feel more confusing than most. The past few years have been full of tumultuous rules and regulations around travel, Zoom meetings galore, and personal anxieties, hardships, and losses. Distance has become a more complicated barrier, traditions were suspended or transformed, and there’s been more physical and emotional distance in all facets of our world. Though these changes may have made your bond stronger, your relationship with your mother or other loved ones might also feel really different: you may be feeling increasingly disconnected. 

Suppose this time of year prompts you to think about closing some of the gaps that have formed in your family bonds. In that case, it may be helpful to reflect and plan intentionally to forge a new phase of your relationship that serves both you and your family members.

Please note that distance in a relationship and intentional estrangement have similarities in how you may experience them, but they are two very different things. Suppose you’ve experienced or are working through the latter. In that case, there may be more complicated emotions attached to the process of re-engagement and some additional mental health and wellbeing elements to consider. It might be helpful to reference a resource specific to family estrangement and/or seek support from a licensed therapist or counselor.

And if you are grieving this Mother’s and Father’s Day season, you might find it helpful to check out Option B or our friends at The Dinner Party.

Steps To Reflect, Visualize, And Initiate A Stronger Family Bond

1. Reflect

Think deeply about why you are feeling disconnected from this family member. What has been missing in your relationship recently that used to serve as a way to bond or feel close to them? Putting a little thought into this question may provide you with some more guidance or direction as to what steps might be helpful to better the bond.

Consider:

• Have traditional ways of connecting shifted or been made challenging or impossible due to social distancing restrictions?

• Have unfamiliar elements of the relationship come into the fold - like fear, resentment, or an event such as a loss or financial hardship?

• Have your or their personality, values, or interests changed in any way?

• Have your or their wants and needs in this relationship shifted?

Try your best to distance yourself from feelings of shame or guilt around disconnection. Every relationship, especially a familial or long-standing one, is not linear; it’s natural to have periods when the relationship feels strained or distant. The important thing is that you recognize it and take steps to forge the connection again if that is what feels right to you!

2. Visualize

Jot down what you would like your relationship with your mother, father, or other family member to look like in an ideal world. This will help you be intentional about how you want to reconnect to work towards a version of your relationship that’s healthy and fulfilling for you.

Consider: 

• How might you communicate - how often and in what manner? How might you feel after interactions?

• What are some values, favorite activities, interests, or personal qualities that you share with them? How might these things play into your ideal relationship?

• What do you hope to gain from your relationship, and what do you hope to give?

• What are your love languages compared to that of your family member? How might that impact your relationship?

3. Game Plan Time

Brainstorm conversation topics, questions, activities, etc. that speak to your shared values and might address some of your reflections on why there’s a disconnect.

Consider:

• Getting to know each other with deeper or more meaningful questions in an intentional conversation. This list of questions is a great place to start!

• Setting up a recurring time to connect in whatever way aligns with your shared interests, values, and intentions for the relationship, such as:

• A weekly or monthly Zoom chat

• A semi-annual trip to see each other

• A commitment to watching a sports game or TV show together, in person or via Zoom/phone call/text (chatting or exchanging messages about the game/show as you watch from a distance)

• An in-person or virtual game night

• Cooking dinners, baking, or creating something else related to your religion, culture, or traditions together

• Choosing a long-term project to work on together, such as gathering photos for a family photo book to print, scrapbooking, finishing an intricate puzzle 

• If you find that the pandemic caused a rift or distance in your relationship, address it! Open up a dialogue about what has felt challenging or confusing to you or your family member around the logistics or emotional components of connecting under new restrictions and norms. You don’t need to have solutions or answers, but just putting these thoughts on the table can be a great first step in practicing vulnerability and openness again with your family member.

If elements in the relationship have made connection or bonding challenging in the past, think about and plan for ways to alleviate these stressors. This may look like setting boundaries around conversation topics you’ve had bad experiences discussing, thinking of an “exit plan” for yourself when things are feeling too intense, or calling in a sibling or family friend to act as a buffer or emotional support.

4. Reconnect

If you feel comfortable, verbalize that you want to reconnect or spend more time with your mother or family member. Saying this out loud will validate your love for and desire to be connected to your loved one, and it will give them an opportunity to commit to this as well. 

Suggest an activity or conversation topic you brainstormed to ease into things. Try to set up a recurring opportunity to connect - reviving a bond is a long process and won’t happen overnight!

Through it all, have compassion and patience with yourself and your family member. The road to reconnection won’t be one without bumps or challenges and will take some time. Keep in mind that progress and relationships are not linear, and effort and communication are two of the most crucial ingredients for success. You got this!

What are some ways that your familial relationships have shifted during the pandemic? How do you plan to reconnect with family members?

Title Photo: Αναστασία