Questions to Ask Yourself Before Dating
Merriam-Webster defines “cuffing season” as a time where single people look for short-term relationships to get through the winter — think of it like hibernating, but in a relationship — but the summer? The summer is for dating dating dating… or not! Here are some questions to ask yourself before jumping in…
Why do I want to start dating?
Whether you’re new to dating, coming back from a long break, or are hoping to better understand your relationship to dating, you should start by asking yourself why you want to be dating in the first place. Dating isn’t just an activity, it’s a time commitment, and it can have a huge impact (good or bad) on your mental health. Three cheers for the honeymoon dopamine, zero cheers for the post-breakup drop! Are you dating because you like to meet and connect with new people? Do you value and enjoy short and/or long-term partnership? Do you just want to have fun? These might be great reasons to date. But on the flip side, do you want to date because you feel lonely? Are you looking for validation, physical or emotional? Is someone pressuring you to date? Are you comparing yourself to friends/peers/exes? Are you embarrassed about being single, even if you enjoy spending more time with yourself and your friends? These might be reasons to hold off on dating until you’re certain it will be a healthy choice for you.
What am I looking for in a relationship?
When it comes to dating, everyone is different. Do you want a short-term relationship or a long-term relationship? How much time do you want or do you have to commit to a relationship? Are you looking for monogamy, a casual fling, or polyamory? Are you comfortable with casual physical intimacy (read: sex) or do you prefer to wait until you know a person more intimately? There are no right answers to these questions, all of which can also be influenced by your identity and lived experiences. For example, members of the LGBTQ community may be newer to dating later in life or feel like dating culture is more collective and complicated than just an individual choice. What you’re looking for might change with time — these things are all fluid — but it’s important to go into dating with some idea of what you want. It’ll make it easier to meet, connect, and communicate with the people you date, and to respect and understand their needs, too!
What traits do I value in a partner? What makes for a good fit?
In the course of your dating life, it is likely that you will meet many, many people who you could date. There will almost certainly be more than one person who you could be happy dating. (Relationships come and go, even if they end on good terms!) But just because you could date someone doesn’t mean you should. As you dive into dating, consider what you’re looking for in a partner, be they traits that attract you, traits that appeal to you in a long-term relationship, and, of course, the traits that might make you incompatible. Start with your answers to the questions above. The easiest example is that someone looking for a short-term relationship probably shouldn’t date someone interested in a long-term relationship. But it’s deeper than that. You’re looking for people you connect with and who you have chemistry with. Maybe you get along with people who are more talkative, who are physically affectionate, and who have similar interests than you. Maybe you like people who have different interests from you, people who are quiet or calm, or people who might not like to cuddle but who like to spend lots of time together. You don’t have to think the same way, but it may be important to you to share certain values. Think about what makes a good fit for you and take it into account as you’re dating. Even if things change, it’s a good place to start.
Am I comfortable communicating my needs?
All of the things we’ve talked about so far are great, but they can only take you so far. The most important part of dating is communicating honestly and directly with the people you are seeing. You don’t need to share your life story or all of your dating interests on the first date! A lot of the questions above are just for you. But as time goes on and you’re seeing one person, or many people, it becomes increasingly important for you to verbalize your interests and your needs. Some of this can be nonverbal or inferred — if a person is continuously asking you to hang out, you’re certain you’re both having a good time, and you leave every date continuing to talk/text/make future plans, that’s a green flag for go. But it’s important to be honest with people about what you’re looking for, what you do and don’t like, and how you’re feeling about the (budding or casual) relationship, out of respect for yourself and for them. Just something to keep in mind…
Am I ready to rock and roll?
*Phew* Now that the hard part is over, it’s time to have some fun! You’ve taken the time to reflect, you know what you need and want from your dating life. You have time to do it. You’re feeling stable and supported and excited. Hooray!! Dating might be intimidating, but it can also be really, really fun — even if not every person you meet is a match. Try not to take it so seriously. You’ve got this. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself along the way!