Grieving is a complex, overwhelming, and endless process. Though we all experience it at some point in our lives, it can be incredibly isolating when you’re going through it yourself - especially when the loss was recent. Of course, we want to be there for our loved ones who are grieving. It is notoriously difficult, however, to figure out the “right” thing to say to someone who is grieving a loved one - but as we’ve discussed before, there is no “right” thing to say. The best way we can support each other is to show up, be present, and listen. People who are grieving are just as lost as you are in navigating the grief process; they most likely don’t know what the “right” thing to say or do is either. That being said, there’s no better way to find out what someone needs, wants to express, or is struggling with than by simply asking questions. From there, you listen attentively and try to figure it out together. 

Below is a list of questions you can start with when you’re supporting a loved one through grief:

1. Would it be OK if I (insert thoughtful or helpful gesture here)? 

Examples: brought over a comfort meal; picked up your laundry/dry cleaning; babysat your child/animal for a night so you can rest; etc.

2. What are you feeling right now? Any and all emotions are valid.

3. What do you need right now? 

4. Do you want me to ask you about your experience with grief when we are spending time together, or would you rather bring it up on your own when you feel like it?

5. Are there particular times, experiences, or days that are harder for you? Is it OK if I reach out to you on those days?

(Note: add these days to your calendar so you know when to reach out.)

6. What was your loved one like? Are there any memories you want to share with me?

7. What is your favorite memory with your loved one, if you feel comfortable sharing?

8. What do you do or experience now that makes you remember your loved one, or makes you feel closer to them? Are there ways I can help you do that, or things we can do together?

9. What feels special and/or meaningful about the relationship you had with your loved one?

10. I love you, and I want to be here for you. I know I won’t be able to know how you’re doing in every moment - will you please send me a text when we aren’t planning on talking but you’re having a challenging grief day? If that doesn’t work for you, I totally understand - we can think of another way to check in. 

What other questions have been helpful - either to ask a grieving friend or to be asked when grieving yourself?