Strategies To Navigate Mother-Child Relationships
As Mother’s Day approaches, you may be feeling all types of different emotions. It’s possible you’re psyched to spend the day with your loving momma; you may be grieving a physical or psychological loss of your mom; or you may just be confused as to how to proceed in your relationship with your mother. Mother-child relationships (“child” in this article will refer to the children of parents, especially adult children of parents) can be notoriously tricky, fraught with challenging dynamics and complicated emotions at play. I’ll share some of the evidence-backed reasons as to why these relationships are so often challenging, and some tips on how to work on improving your relationship with these factors in mind.
Factor 1: “The Mirror Effect”
In childhood, children often imitate their mothers and express aspirations to be like them - it’s natural, given the mother is a central figure in their lives. Mothers may start to expect the affirmation of adoration and desire to emulate them from their children, and for some, it can serve as a form of emotional support. As children grow, however, they may become more independent and follow their mother’s lead less and less. They may start to make their own decisions, and take on aspects of their identity that don’t necessarily align with the mother’s. As the child comes into themselves more and more, they may stray from the idea of who the mother thought she would be, based on their childhood attachment and expressions. Though this is a normal process in parenting, it can be particularly challenging because of the pain of the “mirror” of the mother (in the form of the child’s personhood) changing over time.
A Strategy To Try: Conversation
This Mother’s Day (or any day), try having a conversation with your mother or child about who each other is and wants to be. This sounds vague, I know. But you can start with a variation of these questions:
What kind of person did you want to be when you were growing up? What values and priorities did you want to have?
What do you like about yourself?
What do you see in me that’s similar or the same to you? What about me is different? Is that hard for you?
What hopes do you have for me?
With “the mirror effect,” mothers and their children may tend to make assumptions about what the other wants, who the other is, and more - and communicate accordingly. It may be helpful to have an explicit conversation about these questions to help foster more understanding of what may be different between the mother and her child - and to normalize that differences are okay. These conversations can help both sides feel more comfortable with their differences and start to admire each other for what they DO bring to the table, instead of shaming or blaming them for what they don’t.
Factor 2: The Silencing Of Women In The Patriarchal Family System
It’s important to note that mother-child relationships don’t happen in a vacuum. A huge factor in the dynamic lies in the larger family system, which is often rooted in patriarchy. In the family system, and in society at large, women often go unheard. Their needs and desires are not taken into account the same way that those of men are, and they are often expected to make sacrifices for the good of the family. If a mother’s child is a girl, as she grows from childhood, she becomes another woman figure in the family - and similar expectations are put on her. With so many unspoken emotions and desires between mother and child, it can become increasingly difficult to communicate effectively given the tendencies and expectations to take the role of peacemaker. Resentment, guilt, and distance can grow between mother and her child, and the cycle of miscommunication may continue.
Therapist Dr. Rosjke Hasseldine sums up this conundrum beautifully:
“I mean, if you think about it, if women are not heard in a family, how can a mother and daughter listen to each other? What happens then between mothers and daughters is there’s a power struggle between who gets to be heard, because they have no sense of a ‘normal’ is that both women deserve to be heard, all women deserve to be heard.”
It’s a common experience for children to feel as if their mothers have passed on complexes like self-doubt, self-hate, negative body image or eating patterns, etc. - but often, children may not see past their mothers’ influence to the larger patriarchal forces that impact these complexes as well. On the other hand, mothers may see their children’s different approaches to expression and their desire to break free of certain patriarchal norms with confusion and resentment. This is another way in which relationships can become complex and difficult to parse out.
A Strategy To Try: Writing Exercise
When you’ve experienced a particularly challenging or frustrating interaction with your mother or child, try a writing exercise in which you put yourself in their place. On one side of a piece of paper, jot down what happened as close to verbatim as you can. On the other side of the paper, take on your mother or child’s role and write down what they may be thinking or feeling during the various moments in the interaction. Try to take into consideration their relationships to other members of the family, what you know about their childhood and/or the environment around them at school or work, what expectations they tend to put on themselves (aka, what are they hard on themselves about?).
The beautiful part about working on a mother-child relationship is that no matter your perceptions of distance or confusion about the other, you know a LOT more about the other person than you know about most people. Use your expertise about your mother or child to understand where they’re coming from, and try to approach the next interaction with more empathy and open communication.
Factor 3: Intergenerational Dynamics; Generational Differences
We forget sometimes that mothers and their children are often part of completely different generations and cultures. Children may forget, too, that mothers were part of their own family and mother-child dynamics. (Not all of course - there are so many different family structures, and this may not apply to you or your mother/child). The family dynamics, no matter how many qualms we have with them as growing children, are incredibly difficult to break generationally; no matter how hard your parents want to break the bad habits of THEIR parents, inevitably something will stick. In any given mother-child relationship, there are generations worth of amazing and challenging dynamics that have played a role in its formation.
Generational challenges become even more present for immigrant families - particularly families in which parents migrate and subsequently have American-born (or other Westernized country) children. Growing up in a Western culture, school, and environment while simultaneously forming relationships with parents that may be rooted in their home countries’ values can be incredibly confusing and difficult. Mothers and children in this dynamic are especially challenged, due to varying expectations of women and children in terms of sexuality, gender expression, ability to take up space, and more.
A Strategy To Try: Ask, Learn, Absorb, Reflect.
Knowledge is power here. There is so much unknown about the experience of a mother or child since they were raised in totally different contexts and cultures. Ask, learn, absorb, and reflect. Ask your mother or child about the cultural norms and expectations when they were growing up. If there is something they do, say, wear, react to, etc. that you’re confused about, clarify what its meaning to them is. And yes, these questions apply both ways - children, it is still so important to share what cultural and generational norms, values, and practices you do with your mothers (if you’re able) so they can understand where you’re coming from and what may be important to you that they’re not aware of - not just the other way around. I want to acknowledge, this is tough stuff! It’s not easy to just flip a switch and start intentionally communicating with and learning about your mother or daughter when that has not been the norm. But start small, and learn more from there. It can be incredibly healing to your relationship to truly understand the generation and culture that your mother or child was raised in.