We all know it: making friends as an adult is hard. If you don’t get lucky enough to connect with the people that are already around you every day at your workplace, adult life can feel extremely lonely and isolating. This can only worsen if you identify as LGBTQ+, and are looking for LGBT friendships specifically. In fact, a wellbeing report published by LGBT Hero found that 56% of LGBT people experienced loneliness “very often” or “every day” after the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. 

This outbreak of loneliness in our community comes from a lot of sources. Commonly, those identifying as LGBT can face rejection and disconnection from family after coming out, leaving LGBT friendships as main social supports. Additionally, cis and straight people may be more difficult to connect with out of lack of understanding of complex queer identities or common prejudices. That’s not to say that queer people and straight people can’t be friends, of course—as a queer person, I love my straight friends dearly. But sometimes, you need the benefits of LGBT friendship, of someone who truly understands you and where you’re coming from because they’ve been on a similar journey. When you’re living as a minority, finding community in the people who are like you can feel extremely validating. Personally, I’ve found my LGBT friendships to be thoroughly nourishing and loving, making me feel less alone and more comfortable in my various queer identities. 

So how do you make gay friends? And after you meet people, how do you maintain those LGBT friendships?

Step #1: Finding Friends

Meetup Events

One simple way to find LGBT friendships is through attending meetup events in your area. 

Of course, I can recommend Skip the Small Talk’s LGBTQ+ speed-friending events to start. You’ll be paired with a variety of LGBTQ+ strangers for a short period of time each, and given a variety of conversation prompts to spark deep discussions that you might not normally get to have with people you’ve just met. There are also a variety of rules in place to keep you feeling safe and comfortable, and you are encouraged to divulge only as much as you want to in any given conversation.

Past Skip the Small Talk, lots of cities and larger towns offer LGBTQ+-specific meetups, usually themed around a fun activity. You can find these on meetup.com, eventbrite, and other similar sites. These are especially popular during Pride Month, with specific filters available to discover Pride-themed events! There are plenty to choose from, including hiking and outdoor groups, crafts groups, and simple board game nights. If you find yourself feeling nervous to go alone, there’s nothing wrong with bringing a friend who’s an ally along for the ride. Most groups are fairly welcoming, though it’s important to be careful if it’s a specific queer-only event.

Another way to find new LGBT friendships is by going through your local LGBT activism center. With plenty of protests and volunteering opportunities, you can find a friend and help fight for equality at the same time. These events often offer ample opportunities to chat and get to know others, and it feels good to do some good deeds along the way. 

In some of my most desperate hours for gay bonding, I’ve attended LGBTQ+-themed therapy groups in my area. Now, a few disclaimers for this– don’t attend with only the intention of trying to find a friend for after the group ends. Most, if not all, therapy groups discourage discussion of anything discussed in-group leaving the room it was said in, so definitely don’t try to befriend someone by bringing up something they’ve said in the group.  Instead, take this as an opportunity to share some of your troubles with a group of sympathetic strangers, listen, and learn some things about yourself along the way. Attending therapy can be helpful even if you’re not actively in acute distress, and many find it comforting to share any LGBTQ+ identity challenges in a secure and safe environment.

Outside of LGBTQ+-specific meetups, a great way to find LGBT friendships is actually by attending meetups that us gay people typically like. Based on my experience as a queer person, nerdy or niche interest groups typically attract a large LGBT audience, or at least an LGBT-friendly audience. As to why, it’s usually because, well, a group of people who are deemed outsiders by society usually tend to flock to other outsiders. A hard sci-fi book club is more likely than a general fiction book club to attract LGBT-friendly attendees because us weirdos tend to get along with other weirdos. So if you’ve been itching to go to that roleplaying board game night, go for it! You’re likely to find some fun queer people looking to make friends just like you. Intersectional events can also work as well, such as feminism groups or groups for social change.

Friendship Apps

Friendship apps are a great way to find people who want exactly the same thing you want, without the awkwardness that can sometimes happen when you’re trying to make an LGBT friend in the real world. You signed up to get friends, they signed up to get friends--you’re in agreement! 

Along with creating a normal profile for yourself, know that there’s nothing wrong with specifying that you’d prefer LGBT people specifically to contact you. As a trans person who really wants trans friends I can relate to, I get afraid sometimes of disincluding people by specifically seeking out trans people to talk to. But there’s nothing wrong with this. As a minority, it’s important to seek out community so that you feel less alone. It’s okay to want to interact with people who are similar to you– in fact, having that sense of feeling understood by someone who has a similar identity to yours can help you feel more emotionally supported as you venture out to meet people who are different from you!

Step #2: Staying Friends

Once you’ve pursued your LGBT friendship, the next step is to solidify it. Here are some ways to make sure that once you’ve met a friend, you can stay friends.

Be The First To Reach Out

After getting someone’s contact information for the first time, it can be easy to fall into the trap of waiting for them to initiate conversation. But don’t be afraid of being the first one to start talking! Bring up something you talked about in person, or a brief inside joke you shared. Beyond that, even just a simple “Hey! How are you doing?” is a great way to start a conversation. It’s rare that someone won’t appreciate another person simply checking in to see how they’re doing.

Plan A Virtual Or In-person Get-together | Don’t Just Message!

The best way to get to know someone is by sharing time with them, whether that be virtual or in-person. Develop your new LGBT friendship by proposing an activity to do together, inviting them over to your house or apartment, or even just having a chat over Zoom. In our busy adult lives, it can sometimes be difficult to set aside time to simply talk face-to-face and catch up, but for a lot of folks, it remains the best way to get to know someone. 

Find Hobbies And Interests In Common

Something that can help when proposing hangouts is finding things you have in common with your new friend. Ask them about their favorite books, TV shows, video games, etc.-- if you both like a particular piece of media, you can always discuss it or organize a watch party. The same goes for hobbies– if you both love to knit, for example, you could have a quiet evening of knitting together. Or, if your new friend has a hobby that you’re a beginner at, but are interested in, ask them to show you the ropes a bit. This can be a great way to bond and grow your new relationship.

Don’t Be Afraid To Open Up A Little

In my experiences chatting with queer folks, we tend to open up with each other more often than other people. I think it has something to do with the queer experience in general– if you’re the type of person who’s examined yourself enough to determine that you’re not straight or cis, you may be more thoughtful and introspective than folks who haven’t had to do that emotional work. It takes a lot of getting to know yourself to come out to yourself, and I’ve seen this reflected in many of the conversations I’ve had with queer people over the years.

So with your new friend, don’t be afraid to tell them some deep things about yourself. Save the sharing for when the time is right, of course. But maybe share something you usually don’t share with other people to see their reaction. In all likelihood, they’ll appreciate the trust you’re putting in them, and might feel comfortable sharing something about themselves in turn.

What are some of your best strategies for making LGBT friends? How have you found success in forging friendships in the past?

Title Photo: Rainier Martin Ampongan