Are you feeling okay? Do you want to hang out this weekend? Will you drive me to the airport? Can I buy you a drink?

You hesitate. You start to sweat. Every fiber of your being is saying “….no. No. nO! NO!” but no matter how hard you want to, you can’t refuse. Before you know it you’re faking a smile as you excuse yourself from hanging out with one friend to drive another friend to the airport in rush hour traffic. Thankfully, you make it home just in time to get ready for the date you didn’t want to go on in the first place.

FOSNO, or the Fear of Saying No, is no laughing matter. In a recent study, 77% of participants confessed to having agreed to attend an event because they were afraid of — you guessed it — saying “no.” Who knew such a teeny tiny word could cause so much trouble?

Participants in the above study feared that they’d upset the inviter, that they’d be disinvited from future activities, and that the inviter might turn down their own invitations in the future. But when the roles were reversed, they were more accepting of those who turned down their invitations. In short, they overestimated how negatively their refusal would make the inviter feel.

The next time you’re gearing up to say yes when what you really want to say is no, take a moment to consider where that pressure is coming from. What are you being asked to do? Who is asking you? What is at stake for you and for them? How would you feel, if the roles were reversed, if this person said no to you?

You may find that your fear of disappointing someone, friend or stranger, has more to do with you than it does with them. You might consider that, if the roles were reversed, you wouldn’t be hurt if the person said no. And even in the case where you know for certain a person will be disappointed — for example, turning down a date — saying no is often the kindest thing you can do. Showing up to parties or dates you very visibly do not want to be at will do more damage to your wellness and your relationships than saying no ever could.

When you think about it this way, saying no isn’t just about honesty. It is also an act of kindness, trust, and respect for yourself and for others. Too often we accept invitations and responsibilities we don’t have the capacity for because we are afraid of the consequences of saying no, knowing full well how many people around us feel this way, too.

So next time you’re confronted with a yes/no question, give yourself a little grace. Do you want to say yes? Do you have to say yes? Do you have the capacity to fulfill this request? If the answer is no, then your answer to the question can be no, too. You’ll get ‘em next time!