How to Be a Better Friend
We’ve all been there. You love your friends but you’re busy, you’re tired, you lose track of time. The longer you’ve been friends with someone, the easier it is to slip into a routine. It’s not that you’re taking your friends for granted, per say, but with so much on your plate platonic relationships are often the first thing to go. As you grow and change, so do your needs, and there are few things more difficult than waking up one day and realizing a gap has widened between you and a dear friend without you noticing at all.
If you’re feeling disconnected, you’re not alone. Studies have shown that more and more people, in particular adult women, are reporting having no close friends, a phenomenon that has tremendous implications for health and wellbeing. The ongoing COVID-19 pandemic has further strained these bonds, making it more difficult not just to maintain long-term friendships, but to socialize casually at in-person at workplaces, third spaces, and social gatherings. And while social media might make it feel like you’re keeping up with your friends’ lives, it’s not surrogate for consistent communication and care.
The good news is that there are actionable steps you can take to build better relationships with the people in your life. As the old adage goes, make new friends but keep the old. Read on for tips on how to keep the spark alive.
Share Space
Spending time with friends should never feel like a sacrifice. Consider the things you associate with alone time: grocery shopping, running errands, cooking dinner, doing chores, reading, exercising, lying down on your back and staring at the ceiling. You wouldn’t think twice about spending this time with a romantic partner. Why should friendship be any different? Sharing casual space is an integral part of cultivating intimacy. Invite your friends over for dinner. Tag-team your errands. Recruit a gym buddy. Lounge and enjoy each others’ presence from the comfort of your home. Catching up isn’t synonymous with planning elaborate activities. Just being together is enough.
Write Things Down
If you’re anything like me, you spend roughly 99% of your time with closest friends talking, and few subjects are off limits. You text, call, or talk in person about your lives, interests, and plans for the future. You share fears and desires, big and small. This is where your notes app comes in handy. Jot down the things your friends tell you they like, or don’t like. Note things they say they want or important events coming up in their lives. This is a thoughtful way to show friends that you’re truly listening when they talk, and that you respect and value the things that are important to them and the wonderful as a three-dimensional person and not an extension of yourself.
Reach Out
Reach! Out! To! Your! Friends! Good friendships rest on keeping in touch, and shouldering that responsibility is a two way street. Ask yourself who usually makes plans. Are you making yourself available to your friends? You don’t have to do this every day, but depending on the rhythm of your friendship, it’s important to reach out from time to time and ask how they are. It might feel awkward at first, but it’s actually very normal to fire off a text that says “I love you” or “I miss you” or “I’m thinking of you!” If you’re not in the same place, give spontaneous FaceTimes or *gasp* phone calls a try. (Oh so 20th century!) You can keep important dates and deadlines in your calendar or even schedule reminders so you remember to show support to your loved ones in times of excitement or stress. Even if you don’t do a YouTube-worthy life update, reaching out is a quick way to show you’re present and you care.
Acts Of Service
You don’t have to invest in the philosophy of love languages to mine them for some wisdom. Akin to sharing casual space, performing acts of service is another great way to be a supportive presence in a person’s life. Consult that list you made of things your friend likes. Think about the responsibilities or situations that might be stressing them out and what would make you feel better if you were in their shoes. Self-care can also be community care. Worried that your friend isn’t eating enough? Make them their favorite baked goods or food. Plan a home spa day. Help them organize their room.. or their life! Give little gifts — homemade or store-bought — to show that you’re thinking of them. It goes a long way.
Send Recommendations, and Honor Theirs
Music. Television. Movies. Books. Articles. Recipes. Crafts. Art. Sharing the things you love, especially the ones you think your friends will also enjoy, is one of the best ways to show your friends that you’re invested in the things that bring them joy. It’s equally important to honor the recommendations that they give you. Spend some time with the media your friends enjoy. Express interest in their hobbies. Listen to the music they send you. You don’t have to get to everything right away. Be honest about your capacity, but make an active effort to make time for their interests. Forget gossip, this will give you way better things to talk about.
Show Up
Is your friend going through a hard time? Are they stressed about work or family life? Do they have a show, a presentation, or a project they’ve been investing time into? Not everyone is comfortable asking for support directly. Be conscious of signs of stress and ask how you can best be present in your friends’ lives. Give a shoulder to cry on and two ears for listening. Read the things they write or create and congratulate them on achievements. Show up for the major events of their life. (Who doesn’t love a bouquet of flowers after a performance?) And share their achievements with others, too. Be present for your friends in times of need and in joy. And trust that they’ll be there for you, too.
Write Letters Or Cards
Talking is all well and good, but it’s rare and meaningful to express your love for your friends in writing. Use birthdays and holidays as an opportunity to directly share the things about your friends that you appreciate. Write sincere compliments and be sure to keep the focus on the other person and not yourself. In other words, respect their autonomy and share the innate or learned qualities of theirs that you are proud of and respect. Writing a card, a letter, or even an email is a tangible way to show that you care, a thing that they can hold onto forever. When your friend is feeling down, they can trade the mirror for your note and see themselves through your eyes, even if they’re struggling to see that beauty for themself.
Communicate
Pro Tip: Being a good friend doesn’t have to be a mystery. You can ask your friends directly how you can better support them, how they’d like to spend time together, and what their needs are at this moment in their life. We all lose focus at times, but it’s important not to tune your friends out when they’re talking to you. Listen attentively and ask follow up questions — don’t just wait for your turn to talk. (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind said it best: “Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating.”) Change is inevitable, and our needs in relationships are no exception. The way you’ve communicated or leaned on each other in the past isn’t necessarily the best way to do so in the present. Communicate honestly and often with the people you love, your friendships will be better for it.