How to Be a Better Communicator
Joel Barish said it best in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: “Constantly talking isn’t necessarily communicating.” It’s also waaaaaay harder than it looks. There’s verbal communication, nonverbal communication, written communication, the intersection of which defines how we understand and interact with one another and ourselves. Healthy communication at home, at work, with family and friends and romantic partners — in all areas of your life — begins with you. Here’s a quick guide to communicating more clearly with the people around you, and encouraging them to do the same.
List Your Needs
Consider, for a moment, your physical and emotional health. What are the things you need in life to feel happy, stable, and supported? The answer can be any number of things: A healthy work environment. A clean home. Emotional support. Time with friends and family. Time alone. Time away from your home. Exercise. Eight hours of sleep at night. The options are endless, and they relate to one another through both you and your connection to the people around you. Reflecting on what makes you happy is the first step to protecting that happiness in the long run.
Understand Your Needs
Something you may have noticed about the example needs listed above is that they involve or can be impacted by people other than yourself. A health work environment is influenced by coworkers, supervisors, and your workload. Time spent with friends and family is time spent with others. For better or for worse, your relationships to other people affect how you fulfill your personal needs. Once you’ve reflected on your needs, consider how your interactions with others are impacting your ability to meet them. Does spending too much time with friends or family leave you feeling drained? Is roommate conflict making your living situation tense? Are the demands of work or home or relationships, romantic or platonic, making it hard for you to take care of yourself? In these and other situations, it is vital to express your needs to the people around you.
More Communication is Better Than Less!
Communicate more. Communicate more. Communicate more! I cannot express enough how important it is to communicate your needs, feelings, and thoughts to the people around you. We look and we listen and we learn, but we cannot read minds. It might feel awkward at first, but over communicating is infinitely better than under communicating. Over explaining is better than under explaining. As you’re reflecting on your needs, try and openly share how you’re feeling. This is especially important with family members (who you may have more complicated pre-existing relationships with), close friends, new friends, and romantic partners. The best way to avoid conflict or tension is to communicate your needs — even if you’re pretty sure they understand them already! People who care about you want to listen to what makes you feel happy and cared for, and letting them in will strengthen your relationships in the short term and the long term.
Communicate When You Feel Hurt
We’re not perfect and neither are the people around us. No matter how much you communicate, there are still going to be moments in life that make you feel hurt or uncomfortable. Your needs are unique to you. Other people’s needs are unique to them. The same goes for traits and behaviors. It’s inevitable, then, that there will at times be friction between your needs or actions and those of others. With the exception of situations that compromise your safety or wellbeing (you know yourself best), it’s important to talk to the people in your life when something they’ve done has hurt, upset, or angered you, especially if you want to remain close with that person moving forward. It could be something as small as your irritation at dirty dishes in the sink or as big as someone yelling at you or making hurtful comments. But holding grudges or bottling up your emotions won’t solve the problem — in fact, they almost always make it worse. Take some time to reflect and figure out how you’d like to approach the situation — again, the golden rule: overcommunicate! — and share with the person in your life what happened, how it made you feel, why it made you feel that way, and what you need moving forward. It’s hard at first, but it’s necessary to maintain good relationships moving forward and to make meeting your own needs easier, too.
Reflect and Communicate When You’ve Hurt Others
Communicating during conflict is a two way street! It looks different for every person. If you feel that you’ve done something to upset someone in your life, and you know that person and their communication style, you might reach out and ask how they’re feeling and if they’re up for talking things out. (Again, you know best. If you know them well and understand their needs, you might begin with an apology.) Alternately, you may not realize you’ve upset someone until they reach out to you. The most important thing to do in either situation is to listen thoughtfully and reflect on their emotions and your actions. When and if it’s time for you to speak, share honestly how you’re feeling about the situation and why you said or did something, if relevant, and think about and share how you plan to act moving forward. Ask the other person what they need from you. It’s also best to have these conversations in person — so much tone gets lost in text. Conflict is tough! But if you keep an open mind and an open ear, you’ll make it through.
Communicate Directly
I could go on for hours about the importance of healthy communication, but the last piece of advice I’ll leave you with is to always communicate directly. It’s often easiest to hold onto your emotions, to sacrifice needs to satisfy others, or to vent about situations to people not involved instead of the person you really should be talking to. But you can’t fix a problem until you articulate it, and you can talk to every person in the world but if you’re not talking to the person you have tension or misunderstanding with, it’s not going to get better. This isn’t just for conflict though, it’s also for personal and collective understanding. Check in with your friends, families, and partners. Ask them how they’re feeling and what they need. Talk to them face-to-face about their lives and offer support. You shouldn’t feel like you’re playing a guessing game with the people in your life. If you don’t know what’s going on, ask! You’ll be glad that you did.