Whether you’re already the life of the party or still working on approaching people, we could all brush up on our social skills. Improving your social skills may seem like a big project, but when broken down, there are some tangible and simple things you can do to make your presence a truly enjoyable one that others are drawn to!

1. Mind Your Body Language

Body language is truly a language: it communicates to others social cues that may be subtle, but can have a big impact. Keeping your posture open, with “proud shoulders” (aka holding your shoulders up or not allowing them to slouch) cues to people that we’re open and welcoming. Crossing our arms across our chest may communicate to others that we’re perhaps more closed off or don’t desire to be approached. Other more open and welcoming cues we can keep in mind are consistent eye contact, smiling, and other signals that we’re listening to others like head nodding, laughing at jokes, and reactive facial expressions. 

Body language can, of course, be used to protect oneself as well and maybe even give off unwelcoming vibes - if you’re on a bus, for instance, and you don’t want to be approached by strangers for safety purposes, crossing your arms may be a good idea. Try your best to tailor your body language to your social situations and use it to help cultivate the vibe you want to project. It's important to note that there’s a fine line between being mindful about body language and forcing yourself into presenting as a person you’re not; remember, use body language not as a way to change yourself, but as a tool to better project the parts of yourself you want to share with others!

2. Ask (Good) Questions

Much of projecting a positive energy is making other people feel good in your presence. Dont worry - when broken down, it’s not as overwhelming of a task as it sounds. You want to aim to make people feel heard; show them that you’re interested in them as a person (and you’re not distracted by other things or away from the present moment). In other words: if people feel good about themselves when they’re with you, they’re going to associate you with positive experiences.

The key to making people feel heard and important to you is simply asking good questions. If you seem interested, they will recognize that they have interesting things to offer and you want to hear them! Make sure to do your research on asking good questions, and come up with a few standard ones that seem to work well for you and keep ‘em in your back pocket for when you get stuck.

3. Reciprocate And Participate

If someone - in a group, individually, or otherwise - offers some level of vulnerability or insight, try your best to reciprocate or participate in some way. It can be hard to share ideas or things about yourself, but try to honor the courage that this person showed by sharing and see if there’s anything you can offer. Reciprocating or participating doesn’t have to be anything major: you could simply affirm that you heard them, laugh at their joke, propose another perspective you read about in an article, or anything else. If someone shared something more personal, it’s of course going to make them feel better if you offer something of similar vulnerability level - but do only share what you’re comfortable with. People simply being able to observe your desire and effort to participate in the space goes such a long way in projecting positivity in an authentic way! 

4. Default To Kindness; Refrain From Gossip

It can be very tempting - especially in a group or with new people - to attempt to bond through gossip or making fun of someone or something. It may feel like the easiest and quickest way to make someone feel comfortable around you: if you can both be honest about your distaste for your boss’s dad jokes, doesn’t that mean you’ll have inside jokes and can be more open with each other? While in theory this train of that sort of makes sense, in reality that openness is not about anything real about yourself; true openness offers something about yourself to another person, not putting something or someone else down. In addition, entering a space or group leading with negativity or unkindness tends to set a precedent and pattern. Once that norm is set in your interactions in a space or with a person, it’s hard to break it. Try your best to start threads of conversation or ask questions that focus on yourself, the other person, or a shared interest in a positive way. At the end of the day, people want to feel that there are positive-minded people around them - lead with positivity and you will help to cultivate that energy around everyone you meet!

5. Be Kind To Yourself

It can also be very tempting to put yourself down in an attempt to put others at ease. Again, this makes sense in many ways - but it, again, sets a negative precedent. Self-deprecation, even if meant with humorous intent,may give the people around you permission to view you in that same light, and treat you accordingly. In addition, being in the presence of a confident person can often make people feel confident themselves - and again, we’re aiming to make people feel good! 

Let's remember that being kind to yourself in public starts with being kind to yourself in private and internally. Try to develop a self-compassion practice that you can engage in to catch when you speak negatively about yourself and redirect to compassionate language. This may take a while to get the hang of, but it is worth the journey! When you have more kindness for yourself, it will seep into your external interactions, and others will pick up on your cues to be kind as well as view you as a kind and positive person. It won’t only help with your social skills, but may even make the world a bit of a kinder place!