How To Manage Feeling Not Good Enough, Let Go Of Expectations, And Rip Up Your Timeline

The other day I woke up in a panic - my mind racing with all of the things I hadn’t done yet at the stage of life I’m in, and all of my shortcomings. (Funny how the brain does that - it somehow brings up your most unsettling existential thoughts in your sleep and drags them to your waking brain so you can freak out. What a fun function!) Even though I am so proud of all of the strides I’ve made personally, professionally, and internally in the past year or so, my mind was running through a soliloquy about how behind I was and how fast I needed to catch up. “I’m going back to school too late, I should’ve finished by now! I should have more money saved up - why don’t I have ____ amount yet? I just heard so-and-so is thinking of BUYING property - I am nowhere near that! How am I going to find a life partner at the old age of 25 – I’m practically an old maid!!” (just to be clear, this last one is totally ridiculous and I’m aware that 25 is very young!)

As a self-proclaimed late bloomer in life (I didn’t start walking until I was over two years old, for an embarrassing example), these thoughts plague me more often than I’d like to admit. When you’re someone who does things at their own pace, it’s next to impossible to escape the feelings of not being enough compared to others’ successes or milestones. If you also feel as if you’re behind in some or all areas of your life, you are not alone.

Before we get into how to manage these feelings and self-judgments, let’s think about why we have them at such a high volume. 

Why Do We Always Feel Behind?

We Have An Attachment To The ~Timeline~

Whether we’re conscious of it or not, we’re fed messages about what our lives should look like, what we should do, and when we should do it. This typically includes life milestones like finding a passion, having a first romantic or sexual experience, achieving career success, attaining an educational degree, getting married…etcetera. Messaging about expectations comes from mainstream media, but they also come from our family, friends, and environment - so these life timelines might look very different based on your religion, culture, geographic location, and much more. But more often than not, there is some sort of tie to a timeline or expectations around accomplishments and relationships.  

The existence of a magical made-up timeline that serves as a bar for our success as humans is about as great as it sounds (i.e., not great). It promotes rigidity and ignoring our wants and needs as people as we try to navigate what makes us happy in life. It also makes us fearful and risk-averse: what happens when I break one of these invisible rules, or can’t live up to it? Will I be ok? As a child and adult alike, these can be intense and scary ideas to grapple with - and it can be confusing and feel like a heavy weight to bear.

We Can’t Escape Others’ Highlight Reels

I’m not saying anything new here but I’m going to say it anyway: social media makes it as easy as scrolling with your thumb to see every accomplishment, milestone, and happy moment a person has. Every day, we’re pulled towards our phones to see what people got up to or got done the day before. This ranges from professional accomplishments to social plans to purchases, and more. We’re all amazing but we’re not superheroes: when we’re constantly bombarded with visuals of peoples’ best moments, it’s only natural to put your own moments next to theirs and make a judgment.    

We Have A Scarcity Mindset

Am I the only one that gets a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach from time to time when I see someone on Instagram celebrating an anniversary with a partner? Or getting a new job? No? Didn’t think so!

Why do so many of us feel a bit (or a lot) of resentment or envy when someone else succeeds/reaches a milestone? One of the critical reasons for this is that from a young age, we’re conditioned to have a scarcity mindset when it comes to love and success in our lives. A scarcity mindset is one that holds the belief that opportunities, resources, and success in the world are limited - so they must be fought over and hoarded. This breeds a culture of competition that we see so often in work, dating, education, and more.  

So when we see someone achieving a goal we want to reach ourselves, or reaching a relational milestone of some kind, there is a part of our brain that signals that a piece of the world’s success pie has been eaten by someone else. It feels like there is less achievement, love, or happiness left for us to have. 

The Gendered Scarcity Mindset

Many of us feel behind particularly when it comes to romance, partnership and/or sexuality. Though we all may resonate with this, I want to call out the gendered burden of the scarcity mindset when it comes to this facet of life. 

The message that woman-identifying folks’ ultimate goal or purpose is to find a life partner is etched into their heads from childhood on, and a scarcity mindset is immediately applied to the concept of partnership. Women are told that it’s difficult to find a match, and we may lean towards people-pleasing in our romantic relationships. It’s hard to “lock down men” because, according to our cultural narrative, they have so many options - but women don’t; there is a scarcity of relationships and they must compete to find someone. 

That being said, if you identify with feelings of panic or feeling like there’s something wrong with you when a relationship or romantic prospect comes to an end, you’re not alone. Try to keep in mind that this scarcity mindset is what’s driving you to believe that there is a shortage of potential relationships.

You’re Not Behind, I Promise: How To Start Believing It

Phew! Now that we’ve unpacked all of that, let’s find some ways to mitigate the feelings of never being on the track we set out for ourselves. 

Set Boundaries Around Social Media & Other Comparison-Heavy Activities

If there is an activity, like engaging in social media, that encourages feelings of comparison and not-enoughness, try your best to set some boundaries. This could mean limiting your social screen time to 10 minute chunks during the day, or setting app time limits on your phone. Our brains are in fact addicted to our screens (but that’s a topic for a whole other blog post), so don’t be surprised if this is a lot more difficult than it seems. It may be helpful to get a fidget toy of some kind so you have something to do with your hands when you start reaching for your phone. See this article about setting boundaries on social media for more tips on how to do this successfully.

Explore Your Timeline - And Rip It Up

Though it seems that most of us are attached to a life timeline, I’m not sure we all actually know what that timeline is. Pressure around time is often a looming presence that pops up for various reasons and you might feel a lot of urgency around getting things checked off your list. But I’ve found that often when these feelings arise and I really think about it, I don’t actually know what my expectations are. All I know is that I’m behind. It might be helpful to ask yourself the question: what is the timeline I feel pressured to stay on? What does it look like? 

Try writing out what you imagined or what you currently imagine your life trajectory to be. Once you have it in front of you physically, you might ask yourself the following:

• Are these milestone markers still relevant to me? Are these the things I still want?

• Why do I think I have to accomplish/reach ______ by _____ age? Where did I learn this?; is it a valid source?

• Are there any societal or cultural ideals built into this timeline that aren’t serving me anymore?

These questions may give you some more insight and awareness into what’s driving your feelings of being behind and you may see that some of the markers on that timeline aren’t so relevant or helpful to you anymore. You may want to rip up your timeline right then and there! And if you’re not quite at that point, you can simply start moving towards giving it less energy and space in your mind.

Focus On What You Have Done

Enough with what you haven’t done or where you’re behind! Try asking yourself what you have done. Take another look at your timeline (that is, if you haven’t already ripped it up). You might see milestones not reached by your preconceived deadline - but is there anything you’ve accomplished in that time that was never even on the timeline to begin with? 

Maybe you went through recovery for an addiction which you’re super proud of (and should be). Maybe you made more meaningful friendships than you could’ve imagined. Maybe you overcame a fear that was standing in the way of your happiness. Maybe you made the best tiramisu you’ve ever tasted from scratch (can you tell I’m proud of myself?) The list goes on. 

We are so quick to focus on our deficits or shortcomings, but there is SO much to celebrate about all the things (small and big) that we’ve achieved. Take some time to acknowledge these things and add them to that timeline. Then take the opportunity to celebrate in some way - you deserve it!

Embrace An Abundance Mindset

Repeat after me: there is no shortage of success, career and financial stability, or love in this world. There are barriers, yes - but no shortage. Seeing peers or other folks around you reach particular milestones in relationships or professional lives does not make the chances of the same happening to you any lower. This is an incredibly hard notion to live out, as we’re conditioned to think the opposite. But beginning to reframe these thoughts, even just in language if not in practice, is a great start. Soon enough, you will start to believe the words you’re saying or thinking and your mindset and decision-making around your life will follow suit. 

I want to acknowledge that your ability to embrace an abundance mindset is greatly impacted by your social location in life and barriers built by white supremacy and patriarchy. If you face systems of oppression every day, it may not be feasible to have a mindset of abundance when the world is telling you otherwise. If this mindset just doesn’t seem possible for you, you may want to strive toward moderation: maybe you pick one element of your life that you want to work on reframing away from scarcity. Or maybe you focus on other steps in this article that feel more accessible and beneficial. There is so much more to discuss here, and I love this article Unlearning Scarcity, Cultivating Solidarity that examines the root causes and weaponization of the scarcity mindset in Asian-American communities, the shortcomings of the proposed solutions to the scarcity mindset rooted in whiteness, and new approaches to addressing this with practices of solidarity.

Practice Self-Compassion & Acceptance Of Where You Are

This goes without saying, but try to be kind to yourself. Keep in mind that most people around you have the same self-critical thoughts - and that if everyone thinks that they are behind, chances are none of you are. But I know that doesn’t make it any easier! Allow yourself to feel the feelings, engage in practices to lift yourself up and mitigate the thoughts of comparison, and practice thinking or believing that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be on your journey. 

There is so much to touch on within this topic. If you want more context, tips, and tricks, check out this article on What To Do When You Feel Like You’re Behind In Life. If you notice that you feel overwhelmed by your feelings or emotions, or are unable to manage them, please seek out help from a licensed therapist.

Are there any parts of your “life timeline” that make you feel behind and/or aren’t serving you anymore? What strategies do you use to try to detach from them?