Scarcity Mindset vs. Abundance Mindset: What's with the hype?? What do both have to offer your relationships?

The preconceived notions you bring into your connections with others, especially those learned at a young age, have a powerful influence on your relationships' dynamics, trajectory, and outcomes. For example, if you’ve worked in education, listened to a podcast about relationship growth, or read a blog post about finding love, you likely have heard about the scarcity and abundance mindsets.

These concepts have become buzzwords for self-help and personal growth gurus covering everything from teaching and finance to friendship and dating. Unfortunately, their over (and mis-) use has led to a loss in meaning. What do scarcity and abundance really mean, especially in terms of mindsets, and what can they do for you? How do they hold you back or put you at risk?

Scarcity of Love

Do you feel the urge to find the right "one" while dating? Or the perfect best friend? Have you experienced the pressure to accelerate your romantic relationships and friendships, to pursue an attraction or connection before they "get away"?

Your time is limited, right? We all have only so many opportunities, and we all have only so many potential partners or friends. So we need to act fast and decisively! This kind of thinking is at the core of the scarcity mindset. But, of course, this mindset has benefits and detriments, depending on your situation and the environment. 

While treating love and relationships as "hard to come by" can help prioritize partners and influence decisiveness, some people find that this scarcity mindset can add unnecessary pressure, impact your ability to identify the priorities, or lead to reactive, sometimes obsessive behavior. 

A lot of people incorrectly blame themselves for “failing” to seize opportunities instead of fully considering circumstances outside their control. While your own choices and behaviors do play a role in what you're able to achieve, privilege, oppression, access, wealth, and infinite other factors, also have an impact. And if you’re blaming yourself for your perception of scarcity, that mindset can reinforce self-doubt, guilt, and blame already perpetuated by oppressive systems.

Pros Of The Scarcity Mindset

• Drives urgency to seize our opportunities while we can.

• Helps identify immediate personal needs and areas where those needs are not being met.

• Uncovers your limits and areas that may benefit from attention/improvement.

Cons Of The Scarcity Mindset

• Reluctance to leave toxic relationships driven by fear that you lack other options.

• "Tunneling" can lead to overfocus on finding or maintaining a relationship, causing neglect in other areas.

• May lead to unreasonable demands on time and attention from partners, friends, or family; anything less than "full-time" attention can feel unsatisfactory.

• Bolsters oppression, inaccurately diverting blame onto individuals for their surroundings and circumstances.

Love In Abundance

The "abundance mindset" is referenced in everything from financial advice columns and books on career success to ideas about personal manifestation. Advice around abundance generally encourages positive thinking and imagining outcomes you want in order to manifest those outcomes.

Whether it’s applying to money or to relationships or anything in between, an abundance mindset can positively inform and shape your choices for your personal and relational development. Have you heard the phrase "there are plenty of fish in the sea?" Though this is often dismissive, the idea that there are plenty of opportunities for meaningful connections can help you act on desire rather than fear. Consider permitting yourself to see relationship red, yellow, and green flags, assessing if a connection is healthy and valuable for you or not.

One thing both scarcity and abundance mindsets have in common is they both can be used as a tool of oppression. As mentioned earlier, an abundance mindset can be tied to theories of manifestation and self-actualization. If you think it, it will become. 

Much like the scarcity mindset, abundance can be used to frame your misfortunes (inability to find romantic partners, failed relationships, etc.) as your fault alone. The idea that abundance in anything, such as relationship partners, could be achieved if only you would work harder at manifesting them is a gaslighting technique that can be frustratingly effective.

Pros Of The Abundance Mindset

• Toxic aspects of traditional relationship culture can be deprogrammed, including

  • Pressure to find "The One,"

  • Encouragement to rush a relationship before it is ready to progress,

  • Or being "everything" to a partner or friend.

• Instills a more relaxed approach to relationships, invoking patience and avoiding the feeling of needing to rush into choices.

• It teaches you to look at events as opportunities for growth and new experiences, enabling you to see options.

Cons Of The Abundance Mindset

• Forced or "toxic" positivity can lead to denial and ignoring of unmet relationship needs.

• Excessive focus on "manifestation" or self-actualization can put too much emphasis on blaming yourself for not thinking or trying hard enough.

• The feeling of abundance can devalue what you have, including current relationships.

What's The Right Fit For Me?

Do you see an abundance of opportunity? Will you feel trapped without that feeling of abundance? Or, are you more driven by the fear of the scarcity of all good things?

These questions may have different answers for each of us. However, striving toward a balance between scarcity and abundance is a healthy and practical approach to making connections. Consider striking that balance by valuing existing relationships and future opportunities while taking accountability for some portion of any outcome in your life.

Finding the right balance for the right situation will take vulnerability on your part. Regardless of your mindset, beware of handing your power over to any sole influence, whether individual, dogma, organization, or mindset.