I Got Rejected - Now What?
How To Move Through The Feelings And Come Out The Other Side
So, you’ve been rejected. Ouch. Rejection can be one of the toughest blows to our mood, self-esteem, and hope for the future. Even though we all know and hear often that rejection is a necessary part of life, that doesn’t make it any easier to experience.
Rejection can come in many different forms: in romantic relationships, friendships, job opportunities, education, family relationships, and more. It can be helpful to have some tools and steps in your back pocket to make moving through the complicated emotions, self-doubt, and disappointment a little bit more manageable. Here they are!
Shannon McGee | Rejection & Success | Artist: Uji Handoko Eko Saputro (aka Hahan) from Indonesia
Feel All The Feels Of Rejection
Feelings are hard, and often not fun. When faced with rejection, try not to ignore the feelings that arise. Give yourself some time and permission to feel the sadness, disappointment, confusion, anger, etc. As we say at our events, “The best way to keep a feeling we don’t want is to try to ignore it.” So go ahead and feel all of them and I promise: they will fade or pass on their own time.
If these feelings begin to overwhelm you or you begin to ruminate or fixate, try a take on the “worry box” stress reduction technique - but make it ~feelings chic~. Try scheduling a half an hour or so a day to think about the rejection and focus on processing the difficult emotions attached. Encourage yourself to shift your focus to other tasks and joys in your day outside of that time. You can also make a physical worry/feelings box, write out your thoughts, stick them in the box, and set them aside! If rumination continues to the point of disruption, seek guidance from a trained therapist.
Delete The Word “Should” From Your Vocab
There are countless societal expectations placed upon how people “should” react to any given rejection, disappointment, or any other experience for that matter. Try your best to take the judgment out of how you measure your response to the rejection. Whatever reaction you have is dependent on SO many different factors, such as your personality, past experiences, genetics, values, and much more. There is no rulebook or gatekeeper on how you should or shouldn’t feel about any level of rejection.
These societal expectations about reactions are often based on cultural norms that can be toxic (think: dating/hookup culture, where “catching feelings” is seen as a deficit; work culture, where it’s common for organizations to “ghost” candidates after multiple rounds of interviews; the list goes on). Again, try your best to accept where you’re at as you process the rejection and know that your reaction is your own. There’s no “should”-ing here!
Here’s an example of this: It may feel strange to have big feelings when someone you went on a few dates with expresses that they don’t want to continue, because there is a societal expectation that you can only mourn a romantic possibility when it’s “real” or “defined” or has been going on for longer. But it is totally normal and valid to feel lots of disappointment, sadness, or whatever else you’re feeling! Your reaction is totally dependent on how excited you were about the person, how connected you felt to them, how much time and thought you put into imagining a future with them, and what you got from those interactions that you will miss - NOT on any timelines or rigid rules meant to govern your emotions.
Name The Grief And Loss Of Rejection
As a society, we’re a bit afraid of the word grief. Not to mention notorious for not knowing how to talk about it. But grief plays into our day-to-day life in so many more ways than we can imagine and it’s incredibly helpful - if not difficult - to name when it does.
Grief is most often tied to losing a loved one’s life. But I want to invite you to consider the feelings of loss that come with rejection. Whether you were rejected by someone you wanted to have a romantic relationship with, an employer for whom you were excited to work, a potential friend, or anyone else - you are grieving the loss of a past or future reality you imagined with that person or opportunity. You had an idea in your head of what you hoped your life would look like, and you are now coming to terms with a different, and perhaps less exciting/hopeful/comfortable reality. That is incredibly difficult, and it’s a gift to let yourself name this feeling of grief or loss. You may in fact also be grieving the loss of a person in terms of an existing or potential relationship, but keep in mind that you can grieve experiences, possibilities, or predictability just as strongly.
Facts Vs. Fiction
When faced with a rejection, our first response may be to direct all blame at ourselves. But this doesn’t leave room for the very real possibility that part or all of a decision isn’t about us! It may be about the other person and their wants, needs, or challenges. It may be about geography, time, logistics, or other factors outside of anyone’s control. It may be all of the above! But it’s almost never just about you, even if it feels second nature to default to that belief.
Try your best to identify the various factors that could have played into the decision, not just blame it on the idea that you are not good enough for this relationship or opportunity.
It may be helpful to talk this through with a friend - it’s notoriously difficult to view a painful experience objectively, and having a third party help you see some other viewpoints can really help. While you think this through, you will probably realize that there is a lot more nuance to the rejection than you thought. Nothing is black and white, especially decision-making!
Give Yourself Some Feedback
Now that you’ve realized that nothing is black and white (disengaging from all the binaries, yay!), you might be in a place where you’re seeing the decision/rejection more clearly - and you might see some growth opportunities for yourself. Ask yourself if there’s anything throughout the experience that you may have done differently if given the opportunity. For example, if you went through a friend break-up, you may identify that you wish you had initiated a conversation with that person earlier when you noticed something was off or that conflict was arising more frequently. You might work on upping your communication skills in other or future relationships in your life as a result.
While considering areas of growth is an important part of becoming the best version of you, please have compassion for yourself! It’s easy to slip from identifying growth points to beating yourself up over your perceived deficits. Please keep in mind that nobody’s perfect and everyone involved in any decision or rejection has growth points, not just you. Try your best to frame this feedback simply as information you can carry forward, rather than self-criticism or judgment.
OPTIONAL: Identify The Opportunities
This is totally optional because let’s be honest: sometimes rejection just plain sucks. And we have to let it suck. We feel the feelings, process them, and let them pass - and that is totally valid. But sometimes we’re able to get to a place where it’s helpful, and not detrimental, to consider what opportunities or possible realities might arise because of a rejection. It can help us feel excited and hopeful after something disappointed us and/or made us doubt ourselves.
If it feels right, perhaps ponder:
What doors have opened because this one closed?
Maybe: not entering into a romantic relationship with someone opens the door to exploring different personalities, relational, and sexual experiences as you continue dating other people.
Maybe: not getting into your top choice school helps you consider a new area of study that has a top-notch program at your second choice school.
Can you think of anything new, exciting, or intriguing that you might be able to explore because this future reality has shifted?
Did you learn anything about yourself throughout this experience or rejection? How can you carry that lesson forward?
Is there anything you want to plan for yourself (i.e. you didn’t get a job that required you to be on call for the weekend - are there weekend getaways or activities you can plan to take advantage of this shift in your future reality?)
Please beware of drifting into toxic positivity. Again, sometimes there aren’t silver linings in a rejection or loss. Forcing yourself or someone else to focus on the positive when they’re in pain or grappling with real loss can be really harmful. Please keep this in mind and take care of yourself and others - if you can’t or don’t want to consider the opportunities or positives, that is more than okay!
Hopefully, these tips and ideas make feelings of rejection a bit more manageable. Remember to have self-compassion, try to move away from self-judgment or “should-ing” yourself, and give yourself however long you need. You got this!