It feels like every resource I look at that’s meant to help us improve our lives lists ‘meaningful relationships’ in their top 5 ways to lead a more fulfilling life. Every single one. It’s like…we get it. These things are important. But it’s easier said (or listed) than done, right? How do we actually make the relationships in our lives meaningful? List, don’t leave me hanging like this! 

Don’t worry, we’ll muddle through this together. First of all, I’d encourage you to explore what a meaningful relationship, specifically a friendship, means to you as an individual. We all have different definitions and needs within friendships. Before making the effort to deepen a relationship, it may be helpful to think through your friendship with that person and whether or not it feels healthy, positive, and has the potential to grow. What values, ways of showing love and care, and/or shared interests are important to you in a friendship? Once you have a clearer idea of these questions, it will likely be easier to know where and with whom to invest your time and effort.

Below you’ll find things you incorporate into conversation with friends of different stages to begin to make your friendships more meaningful. Some of them are questions to break through the ‘surface-level’ feeling we sometimes have with friends; some are strategies to switch up a routine or introduce topics and emotions you haven’t discussed before; some are ways you can express your interest in a deeper friendship and present what your needs are. You may want to move a friendship that’s in any stage to the next level, whether it’s an emerging friendship, an established-but-not-close friendship, or a close friendship that you want to work on even further. There are questions and strategies for all three situations below (which I believe can be tweaked for any situation in between). 

Feel free to take what you need, adapt as necessary, and leave the rest! Even though this is in fact a list, I hope it doesn’t leave you hanging.

Questions And Strategies For Close Friendships

1. “What is the best thing you feel you get out of our relationship? In other words, how does our relationship/friendship serve you most meaningfully?”

2. “Which qualities of mine do you really enjoy? Which ones do you struggle with?”

3. “What has changed about you since we first met? What do you feel has changed about me?”

4.  “Hey, I’ve noticed that I feel like I’ve heard a lot about your family, but I don’t know that much about your mom [or other family member/friend/etc.]. You can absolutely choose not to share with me, but I was wondering if there’s anything about your relationship with her you want me to know. I would love to support you if there’s a way that I can.”

5. “I love hearing about/experiencing the elements of your and your family’s culture that you show me. I wanted to let you know that I am always up for talking more about or doing more within your culture if you’d like to! If you’re comfortable sharing, is there anything that you feel you’ve had to hide, omit, or ‘tone down’ in front of me? I’d always love to know more if you want me to - and if you don’t, that is 100% OK as well.”

Questions And Strategies For Established-But-Not-Close Friendships

1. “When you think of “home,” what do you see? Is it a place, a person, a food, a feeling, etc.?”

2. “Thinking about the next 6 months, what do you feel afraid of? What are you excited about?”

3. “How are you feeling about your relationship status right now? What has felt good and what has felt challenging?”

4. “To be honest, I’ve been having kind of a hard time lately, and you’re someone I really value as a friend. I know we spend a lot of time together with other people, but I’d love to check in once and a while one-on-one  to see how we’re both doing and how we can support each other, if you’re up for it. But no pressure if that doesn’t feel right to you!”

5. “Hey! I’m so glad we’re hanging out today. Honestly, there’s something I’m going through right now that I’ve been kind of nervous to bring up, just because I feel like our friendship is so much fun and I don’t want to bring down the mood. But I’d really like to talk about it a bit, if that feels OK to you.”

Questions And Strategies For Emerging Friendships

1. “When you’re having a bad day, what is your go-to comfort meal? What’s your go-to song choice and TV show/movie? What do you wear to feel comfy?”

2. “I’m really curious what your home/hometown is like. What was your favorite part about growing up there? What was tough for you?”

3. “In what social setting do you feel most at ease: one-on-one, in a small group, in a big group, out in public, or another setting?”

4. “I remember we both really love comedy - do you want to try to see one together once a month and set aside time afterwards to talk about it? I’d love to learn more about your taste in comedy and share this hobby together with someone else who appreciates it!

5. “Hey, instead of going out for dinner like we did last time, do you want to come over to my place and we can cook? That way, I can show you my space and we can decide on a menu together - food is so important to me, I’d love to learn more about what you like to eat! Actually, I feel like I don’t know this yet: did you have any meals or foods a lot growing up?”